Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 144
No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
Whenever I don't feel so good, I always try to remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over, and they share the same asshole.
How exactly do they prove that you've been masturbating? Do they dust for prints?
You might be a redneck if you've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.
You must not be afraid of small bits of silence. To use it well is the height of confidence and skill for a comedian. It increases the tension in a good way and adds contrast like a curveball complements the fastball of a good pitcher.
No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.
Challenge yourself with something you know you could never do, and what you’ll find is that you can overcome anything son.
What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed.
So why would I want to call myself a conservative after the way them white racist thugs have used that word to hide behind? They call themselves new Republicans.
Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.