Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 144
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
If she gets a hot flash and walks into a cold room, she can make it rain.
I carry a knife now because I read in a white magazine that all black people carry knives. So I rushed out and bought me one.
One day I was running around playing with my son Connor when afterwards I was sweating, tired and out of breath. I was embarrassed that something as enjoyable as playing with my son was so tough for me to do. Immediately I started an extensive diet and exercise plan. It completely changed my life and helped cure my Type-2 diabetes.
I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
Animals don't have anyone to protect them. If we don't stand up, the people who are harming animals will never get stopped.
You might be a redneck if you've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!
Mitt Romney wants the Latino vote. He ain't going to get it. He ain't going to get it. And you know why? Because Mitt Romney is a fucking Latino and he won't admit it. His father was born in Chihuahua, Mexico. Mitt Romney is a Chicano. But he won’t admit it. “I am not. I am Danish. I am French.”
Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label.
If you bury the pain deep down it will stay with you indefinitely, but if you open yourself to it, experience it, and deal with it head-on, you’ll find it begins to move on after a while.
What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed.