Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 143
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.
If you bury the pain deep down it will stay with you indefinitely, but if you open yourself to it, experience it, and deal with it head-on, you’ll find it begins to move on after a while.
I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.
I live in California, the worst place in the world for fat people. There are three of us. They have us on eight-hour shifts, so it works out.
Oh, and once, when I was in the Marines, I got a perfect score on my physical fitness test.
You might be a redneck if you take a fishing pole to Sea World.
One day I was running around playing with my son Connor when afterwards I was sweating, tired and out of breath. I was embarrassed that something as enjoyable as playing with my son was so tough for me to do. Immediately I started an extensive diet and exercise plan. It completely changed my life and helped cure my Type-2 diabetes.
If I ever find out who told my son this, I will kill them. Apparently, somebody told my son there’s a wiener thief out there, and if he takes his hand off it, Wssh! They’re gonna snatch it away!
See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the money!
First class mail sucks. What is third class mail? They must strap a letter on the back of a mental patient and he wanders aimlessly.
I'm going to start referring to anal sex as "getting accepted to Brown".