Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 143
The Flinstones wore furs, they ate red meat, and had a stoneage philosophy. In fact, they were the first Republicans...
Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain - and this is a chance for something special.
There's this billboard in my neighborhood, and it says, 'Don't leave a baby anywhere,' which is true. I imagine the first rule of baby is to not leave it in the street. Don't even leave it with a knife or a sword - even Excalibur.
Women are the most powerful magnet in the universe; all men are cheap metal.
Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.
One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.
A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet.
All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.
On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.
I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.
How exactly do they prove that you've been masturbating? Do they dust for prints?
I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.