Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 148
I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that you have about the intricacies of the market with the crazy bullshit I see you do each night.
Everyone always says, "Does it bother you that Italians are always portrayed as Mafia characters?" No, it doesn't bother me. First of all, not everybody in my family is in the Mafia. I have one uncle who's clean.
Mitt Romney wants the Latino vote. He ain't going to get it. He ain't going to get it. And you know why? Because Mitt Romney is a fucking Latino and he won't admit it. His father was born in Chihuahua, Mexico. Mitt Romney is a Chicano. But he won’t admit it. “I am not. I am Danish. I am French.”
Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
You must not be afraid of small bits of silence. To use it well is the height of confidence and skill for a comedian. It increases the tension in a good way and adds contrast like a curveball complements the fastball of a good pitcher.
They’ve got plastic Christmas trees now. They’re hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.
You might be a redneck if you've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
This is where we are at right now, as a whole. No one is left out of the loop. We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions. A world where greed is our God and wisdom is sin, where division is key and unity is fantasy, where the ego-driven cleverness of the mind is praised, rather than the intelligence of the heart.
Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, "You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change."
You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!