Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 16

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

The scrotum - a design fault, excess elbow skin put in between mens legs to keep their balls so they don't have to hold them in their hand. although it didn't work!

Well, MTV isn't really my cup of tea... mainly because I hate huge pieces of shit in my tea.

How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love?

And by the way, you’re supposed to have anxiety. Did you know that? It’s a human emotion. It’s been around for a couple of million years. You’re supposed to worry about things. You’re supposed to be concerned that the rent’s not going to get paid, ‘cause that’s how the fucking rent gets paid!

You ever lie for no reason at all? Just all of sudden, a big lie spills out of your evil head. Like a guy will come up to you, 'Hey, did you ever see that movie with Meryl Streep and a horse?' And you go, 'Yes.' In the back of your head, you're like, 'What in the hell am I lying about over here? I stand to gain nothing by this lie.'

I have a friend who swears by food combinations - have you heard of this nonsense? She's nuts. She's like, 'You know what? You should eat food combinations, and that way you can eat whatever you want. It's just the combinations of how you put the food together.' And then her examples are like, 'You wouldn't want to eat steak and potatoes together, but you could have, like, a lemon rind and raisin skins - not the whole raisin, take the skins and steam them.'

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!'

He who hesitates, masturbates.

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. 'What are these?' 'Those are orange: oranges.' 'What about these?' 'Oh, shit. Long pointies? We'll go by shape now?'

I think a treehouse is really insensitive. That's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

I took a ladies order one time I'll never forget this I go "Mam, that'll be three seventy five, drive around". And there's like this long pause and she goes... "Where do I go?". Where do you go? You follow the one fucking road your on to me! Where do you... Ok. "Mam, you're gonna go to the Texaco station and take a right, go five an a half miles south east and your gonna see a guy in a yellow Poncho, his name is Hank he'll take you to the Whopper later... That's where you go!" And you've got ten minuets to get there or we take your food!

I've been in prison for three years. My dick gets hard if the wind blows.

I don't wanna die tomorrow knowing that I could have had a piece of chocolate cake tonight.

Weed’s not as bad as everything else… ’cause weed is a background substance. You know what I mean, you can smoke some herb and still function. You ain’t crisp… but you’ll function.