Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 165
A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.
You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."
Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee. Sometimes old people hike by mistake.
You keep asking me questions that you know I have to lie at. 'Do I look fat?' 'Nah, no.' If you wasn't fat, you wouldn't have asked. That's why you asked the question. Skinny people don't say, 'Do I look fat?' Skinny people say, 'Do you want to eat? Would you like to have a sandwich?'
The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.
My girlfriend, you know, she’s crazy. She’s a woman, and women are crazy. She hates it when I say the c-word. It’s so stupid… We’ll be watching, like, Spongebob or something, and I’ll be like, ‘c-word’ and she’ll be like, ‘His name is Squidward you dump cunt, now get out of my house.’
I'd still like to see "Survivor" minus the planned show-biz parts. That would be the purest form of show business - I want to see someone so hungry that they eat somebody else's foot.
You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Turning a breakup into a break-over... We want women to know that as bad as it can be, it can also be an opportunity to reinvent yourself.
I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.
Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man."