Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 165
I just want real reactions. I want people to laugh from the gut, be sad from the gut, or get angry from the gut.
I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.
My wife's cool. You guys would like her. She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains.
My father is a Jehovah's Witness, and he raised us under a very strict hand.
No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.
My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.
Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.
Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
I'm not a person who I ever thought would do well with divorce. Not that it can't happen. I just didn't want that. So I waited a long time to meet the right person. Then I finally met someone that I was willing to be divorced from.
Sometimes the critics review me harshly for not being critical of government but it's not me who has said I was political.
It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?'
In the fifties I had dreams about touching a naked woman and she would turn to bronze or the dream about hot dogs chasing donuts through the Lincoln Tunnel.
Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man."