Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 165

Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, "Back up, I don't know how big this gets."

It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?'

The straw is a great invention. You can drink without using your wrists. The straw is your friend until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then he will betray you and make you look like an idiot. I have to pull the straw aside and be like “What the hell do you think you’re doing? The last time I checked, you were right by my mouth. What are you doing on the other side of the glass? I don’t need you; you’re a luxury."

That's one thing nobody ever bitching about in a restaurant - parsley. You never see some indignant customer: "Waiter, please! Can we get a little more parsley over here?"

I'm not a person who I ever thought would do well with divorce. Not that it can't happen. I just didn't want that. So I waited a long time to meet the right person. Then I finally met someone that I was willing to be divorced from.

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.

You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to.

Hey! Just at the cemetery, thinkin' boutcha.

You might be a redneck if you have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.

You can equate acting to a tennis game: When you're playing one of the best, you get better.