Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 164
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
Quick decision makers are often stuck behind annoying people in line at Starbucks.
Have you seen those guys in the malls with the strollers, with that look on their face like they envy the dead? 'Somebody shoot me! This isn't the mall! I'm in Hell!'
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.
Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.
I just want real reactions. I want people to laugh from the gut, be sad from the gut, or get angry from the gut.
Inside the Pop-Tarts Box there are three pouches of two. This is what happens to me: I open the first pouch, and I eat one tart, and I enjoy it very much, as naturally I would. And then I feel, “Well, I have to eat the second one or it will go stale.” Well, now I’ve eaten two, and it’s no longer just a snack, it’s a meal. I figure I may as well eat two more. And then finally I’m just like, “Well hell, I don’t just want two pop tarts hangin’ out in a box.” I eat the last two just to tidy up, really.
I do podcasts for the same reasons I do stand-up comedy. I love it, and I don’t care if anybody else gets it.
There's book smart, there is street smart, there's relationship smart, there's too many different kinds of smarts to know all of them. Everybody doesn't know every kind of smart. There's money smart, there's movie smart, there's computer smart. There's just too many different kinds of smarts for people to know all the smarts.
Who ever heard of flight 5050? It's always flight 102, flight 216. 5050? They're telling you before you leave the gate - 50/50. Now go out there on runway 13 and give it your best shot.
New York has always been a sense of eclectic kind of freedom and expression on a lot of different levels.
I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.