Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 164
Turning a breakup into a break-over... We want women to know that as bad as it can be, it can also be an opportunity to reinvent yourself.
If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.
Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others.
I love that red wine is good for you. Isn't that cool? I want to hear more of this. I want to hear more things in life like, "Red wine, in conjunction with a lap dance, while watching NFL football, is the best cardiovascular workout you can have."
After every school shooting, parents come on television and say: 'Rap music is the problem. And drugs. And the lack of metal detectors.' No. The problem is that a lot of your kids are aggressive dicks and you won't do shit about it. That's the problem.
My wife's cool. You guys would like her. She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains.
A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.
I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, 'You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.'
No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.
Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
I came to America, and I made good. It's an old story, but it hasn't been told in a long time. Usually, it's, 'I'm an immigrant, I came here and got persecuted.' My story is I came here, I worked hard, and it worked out all right. So it's still available.
I prefer to believe that people are good and honest and respect me enough to tell me the truth. It's not easy to find those people all the time, but they're out there.
There’s just something about when kids do something, it’s always going to be funny, because kids grow up. Nobody doesn’t grow up, and whatever you do as a kid usually isn’t considered amazing when you’re an adult. A baby changing its own diaper, you’d be like, “That baby is a fucking genius.” But when he’s 27, you’re like, “He shouldn’t be wearing diapers anymore.”