Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 166
When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
I went into Claridge's for lunch the other day - all I ordered was a fruit salad and coffee, and I had to book another week at the Palladium.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Can’t have sausage anymore, and not because of health reasons, but because I saw a commercial that nearly scared me to death. I was watching TV one night, and this is what the commercial said word for word. “The eggs are from real chickens. The milk is from real cows. But the sausage is from Jimmy Dean.” Really? You’d think someone would have caught that!
When you consider the overpopulation in this world... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
I remember they used to give us a speech in the 1950's. “Children, take these dog tags home, make sure the names and addresses are correct in case of a nuclear holocaust. And if there is a nuclear holocaust there'll be no talking during the holocaust!”
If the powers that be see there is a bigger market out there, it will make it easier for the next time around.
I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in 2001.
You know you’re black motherfucka when you put fingerprints on charcoal.
A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don’t realize this, he’s a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he’d ground out to second for him.
That definitely went through my mind, ... The situation in Houston, I felt teams were going to shy away from me because of the stuff with me.
All these words we use, anybody can be a genius now. It used to be you had to have a thought no one ever had before or you had to invent a number. Now, it's like, "Hey, I've got a cup in case we need another cup." "Dude, you're a genius!"