Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 166
I went into Claridge's for lunch the other day - all I ordered was a fruit salad and coffee, and I had to book another week at the Palladium.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I said, 'I'm a male stripper.' He's like, 'You're kidding!' I said, 'Yeah!' He said, 'What's your stage name?' I said, 'Stretch Marks.'
My father is a Jehovah's Witness, and he raised us under a very strict hand.
You know you’re black motherfucka when you put fingerprints on charcoal.
Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.
If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, "I don't think he knows where he's going."
I remember they used to give us a speech in the 1950's. “Children, take these dog tags home, make sure the names and addresses are correct in case of a nuclear holocaust. And if there is a nuclear holocaust there'll be no talking during the holocaust!”
You watch a fishing show. At the end, they roll credits. There's 90 people involved with these two guys fishing! What the hell are they all doing? And one of the credits is 'film editor.' This poor guy, he's got to watch all the footage that's not exciting enough to make it into the final product.
Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?
I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in 2001.
Chivalry died when women started readin' the shit in all them magazines. They got too much advice about men from other women. And they don't know what the fuck they're talkin' about. I see them in the grocery store, says on the cover "100 Ways to Please Your Man" by some lady. Come on, man. Ain't no 100 ways. That list is four things long. Just suck his dick, play with his balls,fix him a sandwich, and don't talk so much and he'll be happy!