Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 167
As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.
Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top - nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead. Final scene, Kathy Bates on a rowboat, coat open, eating a hotdog.
Donald Trump celebrated a birthday last week, when asked how it feels to be 61, Trump said, "Rosie's a fat loser ... she's ugly on the inside".
People do give me a hard time about my hair because it's orange and it's big.
If we do have any iPhone users out there, I have incredibly great news for you. I've developed after about six months and finally perfected and it'll be out on the market soon, an app that you'll all want. It allows you to make a phone call.
I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?
I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.
I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time.
So I was just sitting on my porch, just minding my own business, and this dog come up to me an says 'Hey, ain't you Ross Perot?' Well, I just about dropped a load. And you all know who the prime authority on talking dogs is? The Republican Party. I rest my case.
The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.
Actually it broke my heart to hear that we were going to have to part ways, ... It's a business and they had to do what they had to do.
I don't like the fact that people think Latinos wont vote for an African-American. It's bullshit. Were going to vote for the right person who can restore faith and hope in this country. Latinos feel disenfranchised. Obama's dream is our dream.
My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don’t want because I always have the ability to play one against the other.