Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 167
If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?
Want to shut a racist white guy's mouth. Put him around Super human athletic black dudes.
When we started building out here, we knew this was where we were headed. After we built our first one, we realized a lot of our custom homes would have qualified for Built Green. Some of it's the quality of work, some of it's what the market entails for this type of home: It's what the buyers expect.
The thing I don't understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who's supposed to pretend they don't want it?
If you think ‘loading the dishwasher’ means ‘getting your wife drunk’, you might be a redneck.
You might be a redneck if you have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
I'm mad at my roommate for masturbating in front of the computer. It's my computer. And he doesn't even watch anything.
I was a lifeguard once in the Catskills. Saved a little boy's life. He was a real brat, 9 or 10 years old. His idea of fun was playing catch with farina, tripping the bellhops. The staff couldn't stand him. Then one day against my orders he went to the deep end of the pool. I anticipated it and pulled him out. His parents tipped me $5. Now, what I can't figure out is how did they come up with the figure? How do you tip somebody who saved your son's life? What's the conversation like? The father says: “I don't know, we'll give him $15.” Wife says, “$15, we're not made of money.” “Well,” says the father, “how long have we had the boy? We'll give him $5.” I could have gotten $15 from the staff to let the kid drown!
Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
I used to ask my father, "Can we go on vacation?" He'd say, "Yeah, on the fire escape." One day I was out there when it was raining, and I banged on the fire escape. He said, "I can't hear you, you're on vacation." Then he'd ask, "Do you really want to go on vacation? O. K. The Whole family will go, pack your bag." In those days they had little cowboy bags. I put my shirt in and - we went into the yard. The yard! He said, "Isn't it wonderful that you are here, in India?" I looked at my father like he was cracking up. He said, "It was a wonderful trip on that boat." I said, "This isn't India." He said, "If I say you're in India, you're in India."
So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
I went into Claridge's for lunch the other day - all I ordered was a fruit salad and coffee, and I had to book another week at the Palladium.
I came to America, and I made good. It's an old story, but it hasn't been told in a long time. Usually, it's, 'I'm an immigrant, I came here and got persecuted.' My story is I came here, I worked hard, and it worked out all right. So it's still available.