Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 167

Colin Farrel was recently asked about prostitutes and he said, "It's like ordering a pizza." Really? What restaurant is he going to? All I ever get is a pizza... I guess in some ways it is - when it’s delivered, it's never quite as hot as you hoped it would be.

We’re a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.

I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like "Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn."

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

You know, the energy I think I was just born with. I think I was just always like that as I kid; I was always real energetic.

Some people think I'm high on stage. I would never get high before a show, because when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,"Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?"

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

One of my friends goes: "So, you know what really turns me on; when girls talk dirty in bed." Yeah I tried that with my wife. I said: "Hey, talk dirty to me." She said: "Go fuck yourself". Not that dirty.

Should have dogs before they have kids. Everybody.

Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world... 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go.

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?

I love that red wine is good for you. Isn't that cool? I want to hear more of this. I want to hear more things in life like, "Red wine, in conjunction with a lap dance, while watching NFL football, is the best cardiovascular workout you can have."

Shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay, clay pigeons are fuckers! Come round your house, whiz through, "fwhooo, fwhooo, fwhooo!" They do nothing.. they don't even eat... flies!