Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 189
She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.
They strip search you in jail. Dudes sit in the booth and looks up my ass. Right away I’m thinking, "What in the world am I going to put up my ass that I'm gonna use again?" Like I’m supposed to get inside. "All right. Who wants gum?"
Nero’s wife Shirley, who said to Nero, "Idiot! Fiddle on the roof; you'll make a fortune!" Never got a dinner!
I have a cousin Ernie who buys stuff. He's got a big snowblower that's actually the biggest snowblower you can buy, with a remote control, so he doesn't even have to go outside. He's got the microwave and a satellite dish, it's all in one. He cooks and watches at the same time.
You know what's weird about plane crashes is that you watch it on the news and they say the people have to be identified by their dental records. 'Cause if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I tell people that stand-up's like golf: you gotta do it every day to get it down - or at least three times a week to get it down.
What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.
“But evolution is only a theory!” Which is true. I mean, it is only a theory, it’s good that they say that. I think, it gives you hope, doesn’t it? That… that maybe they feel the same way about the theory of gravity, and they might just float the fuck away.
My father was the king of the joke-tellers. I was so impressed as a child watching him, holding people in rapt attention.
They always want head. We love it. We always have to watch, right? Right, if you have a lot of hair we fucking turn into Vidal Sassoon all of a sudden. We got like scrunchies and banana clips coming out of nowhere. Hairspray. "Good. Good. Good." Front row seats. "I like that with the lips, the thing you're doing with the lips is good."
My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father.
Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.