Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 188
My whole family, all they talk about is food and disease. And they're competitive with illness: "I have a cold." "I wish I had a cold! I don't even have sinuses anymore."
Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Worse, actually, at least the eunuch is allowed to watch.
Everything's nerve-wracking; you really shouldn't be in show business if you can't stand situations that are nerve-wracking, and you just have to learn to push that aside or rip it off and graft it onto your positive, creative energy. I mean, c'mon, I've been in 40, 50 movies and a bunch of TV shows. Someone asked a few months ago how many auditions I took, and I said, "Boy, you got me. A lot, I guess. 700? 2,700? I don't know." And then I started thinking and realized, "Boy, I guess that's a lot." You know what, either get some hard bark on you, or find another line.
Red flag of the eating disorder: the muffin. Keep your eye on the ladies with the muffins... and sometimes I'll just eat the muffin top.
I was just following the corporate manifest, but at the premiere my sister punched me in the stomach. I thought, 'This doesn't bode well for the public.'
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
I was born when my dad was 50… It’s weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We’d go to the movies, we’re both getting discounts.
Make-believe cowboys. Closest they've ever gotten to a cow is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's.
Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?
First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.