Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 190

In 1982 I was playing soccer at William and Mary, and a kid from Randolph-Macon called me a kike. I ran after him. 'I'm not a... well, yes I am.'

They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?

My father told me 'Name your price in the beginning. If it ever gets more expensive than the price you name, get out of there.'

What is with this campy fixation on all things Ronald Reagan? They talk about him the way gay people talk about Barbra Streisand. I think they just want him on a stamp so they can lick his ass. I think they only named an airport after him so they can say, "I'm coming into Reagan!"

I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is to realistically criticize what's wrong with it.

You should’ve hung out, man.

The reason we are together is because she puts lead in my shoes and doesn't let me fly off the earth. And it's always been that way.

I've seen worse... It just so happens that your friend here is mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead.

White people think they can just do what the fuck they want to do all the time!

Okay, first rule of this carpool. No breaking wind in my car. The only gas that Bernie Mac want to be smelling is unleaded.

Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.

My brother is a tax guy, and the way I look at it, it’s like he’s spending his life saving money for rich people. So I think making strangers laugh, at least having a creative component to your profession, is more manageable for me. I can live with that a lot easier.

The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.

We as comics do want an immediate response from the audience. It's really quiet on the set, and there are only the producers, and the director, so a comic is looking for someone to give a reaction, even if it is the camera guy.