Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 190
You might be a redneck if... you bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
It wasn't a cutdown to call someone a Mexican. It would kill my career to refer to someone as Mexican today. It's like calling me an American.
Today President Bush ordered an investigation into whether it is appropriate to have civilians with no experience running a Navy sub. Hey, how about an investigation into whether it's appropriate to have a civilian with no experience running the country?
Sarah Palin is Latina. Pay-leen. She has an infant and a grandkid the same age. Latina!
In Huntington Beach, California, three police instructors lost their jobs after ordering two cadets who were caught smoking to eat cigarette sandwiches as punishment. And of course the tobacco companies are thinking, 'Cigarette sandwiches - what a great idea.'
You must not be afraid of small bits of silence. To use it well is the height of confidence and skill for a comedian. It increases the tension in a good way and adds contrast like a curveball complements the fastball of a good pitcher.
What lazy SOB invented the Clapper? What do I have to invent so I don’t have to get off my lazy butt and go over and flip that light switch. My father had a Clapper 30 years ago - me.
I’m as bouge as the next person. My mother was a waitress and my father was a bartender. People think I went to Yale and shit, because I have a vocabulary and I wear a suit. I wear a suit because I aspire to wear a fuckin’ suit. I didn’t work my whole fuckin’ life to wear a Hello Kitty fuckin’ wifebeater up here.
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have no idea what they're saying.
And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don’t up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don’t put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!
These are all dreams. These are all things we want to have. (to man in audience) If I could grant you a power, any power, what would you want? Anything right now? "Dah, Jesus." You want to be Jesus? God you're such an egotistical prick. He thinks he's Jesus. Ah, Jesus. I'd love to cover him with spaghetti right now. Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very egotistical. Ahhh, Christ. Not you.
Relationships are hard, man. For order, for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page, both people have to have the same focus, and we all know what that page is. We all know what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work both people have to have the same focus, and what's that focus? That focus is all about her! It's all about her!