Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 199

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

If opportunity doesn't knock, just build a door son.

I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!

I like the humor to come out of character. When you're going for a joke, you're stuck out there if it doesn't work. There's nowhere to go. You've done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you're out on the end of the plank.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a 3 day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!

Once in a while you get a moment of clarity - an inspiration - and they don't come that frequently.

My father is a Jehovah's Witness, and he raised us under a very strict hand.

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

I'm half-Mexican - get used to it 'cause in about five to 10 years, you're all gonna be related to one. Whether you like it or not, no matter how much you prepared your family, you're gonna show up at Thanksgiving one of these years, you're gonna walk in and say, 'Hey! What's happening? Since when did we start serving flan?' Well, what's happening is that somebody's boning a Latino.

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it.

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

For years and years, Arj Barker was high on life, but eventually, I built up a tolerance.

There's nothing funny about flying to Houston.