Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 20

You don't get to be old bein' no fool...

Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could become a M.I.A. and then we'd all be put out on K.P.

People are so defensive, especially women, ya know. C'mon ladies. I offered a girl a tic-tac one time. Ya know what she says to me "Oh do I need one? Is it my breath? Do you think I need one?" I'm like, I'm just trying to be nice. If I was going to give you something you needed I would give you mustache wax and a t-shirt that says 'One Cock at a Time.'

An easy way to sound like a creep is to add the word ‘ladies’ to the end of things you say. It can be harmless too, but it just makes you a creep. ‘Yeah after college I spent two years in the peace corps, ladies?’ The more harmless it is, the more of a creep you become. ‘I broke my arm. I need help, ladies?’

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I tell ya, I'm bout as crazy as a dog in a hubcap factory.

That's my idol, Elvis Presley. If you went to my house, you`d see pictures all over of Elvis. He's just the greatest entertainer that ever lived. And I think it's because he had such presence. When Elvis walked into a room, Elvis Presley was in the fucking room. I don't give a fuck who was in the room with him, Bogart, Marilyn Monroe.

Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire... so, that's fun. And that's funny. Because he was a mass-murdering fuckhead!

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce … That would be sad. If two people were married and they were really and they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times.

What is it with the animals with the bikes? I took my daughter to the circus. She said: "Daddy, how do they teach a bear how to ride a bike?" I said: It's easy, they nail his feet to the pedals and they beat the shit out of him. He's not riding, he's running. He just happens to be attached to the bike.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Hey, niggers! Turn that jungle music down! Woogie boogie, nigger! Woogie boogie!

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.