Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 20
Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.
My first regular comedy gig, I hosted an open mic in my college town… One show, I had an ex-girlfriend who showed up to perform. I had to introduce her to the stage. It was very awkward. “Coming to the stage is the cold-hearted bitch who broke my heart. You may know her for not returning my phone calls and also giving out mediocre blowjobs.”
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
Who wants to blow their husband? You want to blow a guy that you've been dating. And he's mysterious and you suck his cock and go home. Who wants to blow a guy and then go to IKEA with him all day?
If I ever saw bat shit, I’d be like, ‘that’s crazy.’ That's some crazy excrement right there. That looks like my ex-girlfriend's personality.
All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
Just what is the handicapped parking situation at the Special Olympics? Is it still just the two spaces?
When I hear 'yee-haw!', that scare the shit outta me. Cuz I know what come next. Y'all remember? Y'all's ancestors used to hang us for kicks? ..Muthafuckin on the weekend, hot, couldn't get no pussy? 'Let's go down to the jail, get a couple of them black ones and just string 'em up. ..yeehaww..' ..When I hear that, shit crawl all up and down my neck.
One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to for years.
It seemed fair to kill my car to me, right, ‘cause my wife was going to leave my ass. I say, “Not in this motherfucker you ain’t. Uh-uh. If you leave me you be drivin’ them Hush Puppies you got on. ‘Cause I’m goin’ kill this motherfucker here.”
?If a mutha fucka call you a crackhead for 20 years, Bitch you are smoking crack! Whitney done smoked her kneecaps off, and we still talking about "Uh UH!"