Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 20
Sit back there and say my hair ain't luxurious, when you know it is, bitch!
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
I've always dated Jewish men, and I don't know why. What am I saying? I know exactly why that is - it's because I have a really little vagina.
Who wants to blow their husband? You want to blow a guy that you've been dating. And he's mysterious and you suck his cock and go home. Who wants to blow a guy and then go to IKEA with him all day?
I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking... and she gets bit by a snake in between her toes, andI had to suck out the poison... so she’s dead.
All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
If I ever saw bat shit, I’d be like, ‘that’s crazy.’ That's some crazy excrement right there. That looks like my ex-girlfriend's personality.
Just what is the handicapped parking situation at the Special Olympics? Is it still just the two spaces?
My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.
I still don't really know what my style is. I like a lot of different kinds of comedy, I like watching it and I like being inventive and original. That's the problem with doing a longer set - you can't do every joke that you have because some stuff contradicts other stuff. Even when you know that the audience knows that you're joking and it's not true, you still can't do a joke about your family dying and then later talk about your Mom. I mean you want to keep some kind of cohesive order going.
?If a mutha fucka call you a crackhead for 20 years, Bitch you are smoking crack! Whitney done smoked her kneecaps off, and we still talking about "Uh UH!"
One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to for years.