Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 20
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure... if you die, the cancer also dies at exactly the same time. So that to me is not a loss; that's a draw. It's not like... the cancer's going to jump up and go, "Arrrgh I fucked Uncle Bert's wife, where is he? I won fair and square."
If I ever saw bat shit, I’d be like, ‘that’s crazy.’ That's some crazy excrement right there. That looks like my ex-girlfriend's personality.
It seemed fair to kill my car to me, right, ‘cause my wife was going to leave my ass. I say, “Not in this motherfucker you ain’t. Uh-uh. If you leave me you be drivin’ them Hush Puppies you got on. ‘Cause I’m goin’ kill this motherfucker here.”
One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to for years.
?If a mutha fucka call you a crackhead for 20 years, Bitch you are smoking crack! Whitney done smoked her kneecaps off, and we still talking about "Uh UH!"
Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
And I didn't know he was taking me to the ghetto at first. I started looking out the window, see gun store, gun store, liquor store, gun store, where the fuck you taking me?
You gotta be cool when you're macho man, cuz you can't be sensitive and care about someone having a good time in bed, cuz that's too scary... When you don't use sensitivity when you're having sex, or share some of your soul, nothing gonna happen, because men really get afraid. Men really get scared in bed.
I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.
The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
If you are in here tonight and you have never contemplated suicide... you've never truly been in love. If you're in here tonight and you have never contemplated murder... you've never been divorced.
Sit back there and say my hair ain't luxurious, when you know it is, bitch!
My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?