Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 206
Eddie Murphy was the Michael Jordan of comedy. He had a full range of abilities.
People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.
I want to be a little more dramatic nowadays. I definitely want something big and funny, but I look for things that can just have people see me in a different light and let me mature as both an entertainer and an actor and a comedian.
So I go back, reluctantly, down a murky hallway to what looks like a Dollar Store dressing room, and I open up the dirty curtain. There's a velvet Elvis on the wall with the eyes cut out - some weird sort of quality assurance program they're running in there. They got a dirty recliner they pulled off the street with duct tape on it - God knows what else. They got a bloody pipe on the floor. It's like a third world game of Clue.
They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!
But seriously I got hit by a car the other day. Yeah, I'm alright, I appreciate the concern. I was going about 8, the care behind me was going about 11. He wasn't getting to 11, he was at 11. But he was behind me so cha-ching! C4, C5, bingo! He gets out of the car about 105 years old. A little cooky in the head. I'm a little tattered. He starts saying things he probably shouldn't at the scene of an accident. Hell buddy, I wasn't even looking. Might want to keep that to yourself.Then he just keeps burying himself. I can't even drive a stick. I don't know which one is the brake. My legs are numb. I been drinking!
I was just surprised when my wife told me we were having a baby. I was like, "Wow, that's awesome. You're going to make a great single mom."
When did they start designing toothbrushes to look like basketball sneakers? Can I just brush my teeth and not be "extreme"?
Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: "Are your ready?"
Men can’t buy makeup. So they have to buy something else. It’s called a Porsche.
My grandma used to say "Sound your Klaxon when you come around a turn." And I'd say "Shut your fucking Klaxon I'm driving!" Oh we had fun.
If you believe that the world is going to come to an end - and perhaps any day now - does it not drain one's motivation to improve life on earth while we're here?