Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 207

You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.

People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.

L.A. I love it. Everybody’s a superstar. A guy will tell you, "Yeah, I’m a producer." And he’s driving a cab.

It’s a Spice Girl party & since we’re missing one I’m the new one Specky Spice.

If opportunity doesn't knock, just build a door son.

I'm from the streets of New York. I know what tough talk sounds like.

Sober strip clubs are horrible. When you are sober you see the matrix code behind a strip club. You're paying girls to pretend to like you until you run out of money so they can walk away.

If I want my chips? Yeah, I want my chips. Who is this?

At some point, the computer industry decided if you have an e-mail address, you must have some kind of penis problem.

Don’t be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I’m dead inside.

A real estate closer. Oh, what's that? I'm a real estate opener. What is a real estate closer? You mean at the end where you've got to sign all those papers?

No one is immune to the trials and tribulations of life.

Starting to drink now in preparation for New Years. No more last minute stuff like Christmas.

You started rapping when you wasn’t good at basketball. I started rapping because I needed Adderall.

The house smelled of brisket and bourbon. That's the music I grew up on.