Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 207

I'm the Hippopotamus, my lyrics are bottomless!

Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

My mom was so strict when I was a kid, she wouldn’t even let us watch The Brady Bunch. The Brady Bunch! She was like, "That’s why you don’t watch The Brady Bunch, that show suck. Six kids, that’s nothing. That’s right, I have ten kids. Why don’t you watch me? No commercial here. No ads. I run the whole operation, Dat Phan, watch me."

Knowledge of means without knowledge of ends is animal training.

Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspiren? I think I've got a cold."

If a director brings a guy to their movie who does improv, they've got to let him do what he does - otherwise it's like bringing Michael Jordan to your basketball team and telling him to just pass the ball and don't shoot.

You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.

I did stand up first in high school, joined an improv group in college, kept doing stand up after that, no one could deter me. And I have no other skills really, so I’m sorta stuck with this now. It’s a little late to switch over to an ornithologist.

Now see, a lot of critics are saying Arnold can't get elected because he's just an ambitious guy with a famous name, who doesn't know anything about running the government. Didn't hurt George Bush.

You were an altar boy, right? No wonder you're so angry. Show me on Kiefer Sutherland where the priest touched you.

The house smelled of brisket and bourbon. That's the music I grew up on.

Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?

Well, I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.

I've eaten things that didn't complain this much.

Ellen's very mad at me. She's says if I want to start a war in the press, she's not the person to start with.