Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 207
Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere with the labor unions and grab the money will be marched to the guillotines and subsequently beheaded. And isn't that easier and more productive than some endless, bloody conflict? So sayeth the gospel of common sense. Happy Mother's Day.
I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.
If you do not find me funny, that is your problem and I am not going away.
A long time ago there was a lot of people... but that was a long time ago.
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
This needs to be said: there never was a war. "How can you say that, Bill?" Well, a war is when two armies are fighting. So you can see, right there, there never was a war...
Purim, one of my favorite holidays. It's like the original drag queen's holiday. It's when all the Jewish men go for it and feel no guilt for a change.
I did stand up first in high school, joined an improv group in college, kept doing stand up after that, no one could deter me. And I have no other skills really, so I’m sorta stuck with this now. It’s a little late to switch over to an ornithologist.
Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
I like psycho chicks... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.
I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would think the novelty would have worn off by now and everyone would get back to playing baseball.
The house smelled of brisket and bourbon. That's the music I grew up on.
I think there is much more storytelling in stand-up now. Less emphasis on the joke. Jokes are still important, but it feels like a more intimate and personal experience these days.
Now, I want to explain something to you guys. I don't have an ending joke, because I don't tell jokes. I tell real-life stories and make them funny. So, I'm not like the average comedian. They have an ending joke; they always holler "Peace! I'm out of here," and walk off stage. So, basically, when I get through performing on stage, I just walk off.