Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 205
It's simple: you legalise drugs. If all of a sudden fucking Walmart has mushrooms, pot, in a whole aisle, then there's no financial motivation for drugs gangs to be beheading people. Then proper crime and robbery, which should be illegal, we focus on that.
Last week I gave Dean Martin a cigarette lighter. He finished it in one gulp.
I have been in kind of a sexual dry spell lately. In the past few years I’ve only had sex in months that end in "arch"... in years that have an Olympics.
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
Walking back and forth also helps by creating the illusion that you are thinking of the routines on the spot, giving your performance a more spontaneous feeling.
This movie will actually increase the sex life of parents everywhere because they can put this on, with the 45 minutes of extras and they've got almost two hours to do whatever they've got to do while the kids watch the movie.
Like a lot of women, I'm bisexual. Once I have sex with you - bye!
I hope everybody could get rich and famous and will have everything they ever dreamed of, so they will know that its not the answer.
Fellas, you have to stop letting women put all this pressure on us. Talking about, "I didn’t come". "Bitch, I did. What’s wrong with your shit?" I tell a woman before we even get started, "Look, team bus leaves in two minutes and eight seconds. I’ma scream your name twice and I’ma scratch you off the clipboard. You better hurry the fuck up."
My girlfriend likes to play doctor, so I make her say "Ahhhh" then charge her $700.
The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.
A woman driver went through a red light. The cop stopped her and said, "Lady, didn't you see that red light?" The woman said, "You've seen one, you've seen them all."
Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the names of rappers. Those are some Diddies. Those are some Bone Thugs-N-Harmoniums, right here. Those Ludacrises are coming in great.