Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 205
You were an altar boy, right? No wonder you're so angry. Show me on Kiefer Sutherland where the priest touched you.
As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
I wouldn't take nothin' but a Ford: F-O-R-D, period. Ain't nothin' like a Ford. I wouldn't drive a Chevrolet 'cause I can't spell it.
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
I'm happy with how the day has gone and we've made positive steps forward each time I've gone out. My lap times have also been good and consistent from the outset, so it's good to be on the pace and feeling back at full health and fitness to really "ride" the bike.
This needs to be said: there never was a war. "How can you say that, Bill?" Well, a war is when two armies are fighting. So you can see, right there, there never was a war...
I know when the anthrax thing hit - white people, y'all was very nervous. Y'all would come up to me at work and warn me, like 'Oh my God, Aries, be careful. Don't open your mail.' Let me tell you something - black folks was never worried about anthrax because, half the time, we don't open our mail no way. We might think that's a bill. We might hold it to the light and go, 'That's a red slip.' If you want to get us with anthrax, put that in a Jay-Z CD. That's how you get us.
So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments. Luckily there was a number on the box. So I called, and said, ‘I have a question: Is this cereal as delicious as I think it is?' And I have a comment: 'yes'.
Even if you get a joke right you’ve done it a thousand times and sometimes there’s times where it just doesn’t work or someone doesn’t agree with you. And I want to show that. I have had more hecklers because that’s part of comedy is arguments, you know?
Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?
I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the "good old days". I'm black, we have no "good old days".
I did stand up first in high school, joined an improv group in college, kept doing stand up after that, no one could deter me. And I have no other skills really, so I’m sorta stuck with this now. It’s a little late to switch over to an ornithologist.