Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 212
Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.
Their cousin got in a fight and they put him in jail. I had to go get him out. He came walking out going, 'Hey, man, I tried to call you on the cellphone.' I said, 'You don't have a cellphone.' He goes, 'I mean, the phone by the cell.'
I had a porn star in the audience the other night, and she really doesn’t like performing sex scenes. She says, “I fake my orgasms. I can’t wait for this to get off me. And all I can think about is getting paid and having dinner later.” I said, “Wow! I’m married to a porn star!”
Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.
I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching on. I met a guy who said, 'Come out to Hollywood for 10 days, and I'll get you a deal.' So I figured, 'OK, 10 days.' On the 10th day, he got me a development deal with Disney, not for a lot of money, but it allowed me to make the move.
Because it's uncensored cable, I think we'll be able to do the kind of sketch comedy that really hasn't been seen before. We can actually finish jokes.
On a quick side note, I would argue that - much like Samuel L. Jackson - I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.
Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.
And what is it they patrol? The Easy Listening section at Sam Goody. You're not going to get to the Josh Groban without going through the Soul Patrol.
So I went to drown my sorrows in a 19 year old waitress. So we talked, and on the third day, I got her into bed. And she started to cry. It’s like I’m a mental-illness magnet at this point.
Because when the Creator of matter, tell you you matter, then you have a purpose and then you have self-esteem.
I think the word raped gets thrown around far too casually. You ever listen to a bunch of guys playing video games with each other online? It's like, 'Ah man you shot me in the back dude. You raped me dude!' I'm pretty sure if I talked to a woman who's been through that horrific situation and I said, 'What was it like, you know, being raped?' she's not gonna look at me and go, 'Have you ever played Halo?'