Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 212

Fellas, you have to stop letting women put all this pressure on us. Talking about, "I didn’t come". "Bitch, I did. What’s wrong with your shit?" I tell a woman before we even get started, "Look, team bus leaves in two minutes and eight seconds. I’ma scream your name twice and I’ma scratch you off the clipboard. You better hurry the fuck up."

My father contracted polio on a troop train in Korea.

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors; eat the whole bag and see God one time in your life.

Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce!

Because when the Creator of matter, tell you you matter, then you have a purpose and then you have self-esteem.

I wanted to cut down on the profanity, because I think I'm funnier without sayin' a lot of cuss words.

A woman driver went through a red light. The cop stopped her and said, "Lady, didn't you see that red light?" The woman said, "You've seen one, you've seen them all."

I'ma whip your ass! You, me, him! Everybody's ass around here!

Don't let people treat you like you're stupid. If it sounds too good to be true, it is.

Lactose intolerant milk? Kiss my dick! If you're lactose intolerant you can't drink milk. So what's in the fucking carton? Get it out of there, get it away from my milk. It is talking to my milk and making it feel bad about itself.

Their cousin got in a fight and they put him in jail. I had to go get him out. He came walking out going, 'Hey, man, I tried to call you on the cellphone.' I said, 'You don't have a cellphone.' He goes, 'I mean, the phone by the cell.'

I was such a nerd in high school, I didn't even have imaginary friends, I had imaginary bullies.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Nor did anyone censor any of my book. It is the most creative freedom you can have, in this, the 21st century, I can assure you.

Never turn down an opportunity to shout "Fuck them all!" at the top of your voice.