Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 212

I was visiting my parents, and I walked into a room where my father was watching a Peter Falk movie on TV... I think it was 'The Cheap Detective.' Anyway, my father was belly-laughing, and he never really did that. I thought, 'If Peter Falk can make my dad laugh, then I'm going to come up with a movie in which Peter Falk plays my father.'

Middle names are kind of like vice presidents: It's a fine distinction and certainly an honor, but you're never not aware that someone else got the real job.

Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale?

I once called my mother during a hurricane. She got on the phone and said, "I can't talk to you, Joey, the lines are down."

You reach a certain point in your 30s when you say things in a much safer way.

When I started, you didn't make a lot of money by being a comedian. You didn't get a lot of respect.

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

No one is questioning the nobility and honor of these men and women that are serving and what they're doing. No one questions that. Now they're targets and they're not going out, they're just protecting each other and they're in the middle of a civil war. So it's really not fair to have these people, who volunteered their lives to protect our nation under false pretenses, to now be targets.

So I went to drown my sorrows in a 19 year old waitress. So we talked, and on the third day, I got her into bed. And she started to cry. It’s like I’m a mental-illness magnet at this point.

There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

My father contracted polio on a troop train in Korea.

They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self' , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

Has anyone seen my shoes? I kicked them off in a fit of joy.