Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 224
Relationships are hard, man. For order, for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page, both people have to have the same focus, and we all know what that page is. We all know what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work both people have to have the same focus, and what's that focus? That focus is all about her! It's all about her!
A little Everclear punch. We had Everclear punch. Everclear is like 3000 proof grain alcohol. Illegal in 44 states. Makes a nice little mixer. Put it with Hawaiian Punch you got a nice little cordial. Girls are like, I can't even taste it. We know.
I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, ''Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres."
I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.
Once my sister busted a nut watching a headliner I worked with. He closed his set by miming the insertion of a tampon up his asshole. I don't recall the exact joke. After his set my sister made a beeline for him, running roughshod over the other more delicate comedy groupies. She gushed about his tampon bit and then told him he should get an actual tampon and really stick it up there. And then she laughed like crazy. I thought it was a good note.
Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass... but you just pushed my jackass button.
I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.
Middle names are kind of like vice presidents: It's a fine distinction and certainly an honor, but you're never not aware that someone else got the real job.
If I'm a game show host, will someone buy a ticket to see me do standup? To do a dramatic role in a movie?
Thanks to our brave allies: you gallant Russian bear, you British everywhere.