Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 224

I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

Just want to do something special, for all the ladies of the world, and the girls... Carribean... Parisian... Bolivian... Eastern Indochinian... Reptilian... Presbyterian.

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, "I could never love anyone who ate a diaper."

Bombing teaches you how badly you want to become a comedian. Because unless it’s a burning desire, you’ll quit when the consistent bombing becomes too much to take.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Let’s not pretend that anyone in here likes Nebraska. Have you ever wondered why theres storm chasers? An hour in Omaha and I’m looking for a tornado to take me any place. Get me the hell out of there, uh, no wonder there all fat it’s so they’ll stay on the ground.

Let me tell you something ass-eyes, let me tell you all something: war has made me very paranoid! and when you get to eye-balling me, makes my Agent Orange act up, makes me want to kill!

Well I have a microphone and you don't so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.

They had a sign up: the lobsters were flown in. How cruel is that? Think about that - let's say you're a lobster, you've never been on an airplane before - what else can you think, but you've won the lobster sweepstakes?

I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan's anus. But for legal reasons, I have to call her, "Kate."

There is no better moment than this moment, when we're anticipating the actual moment itself. All of the moments that lead up to the actual moment are truly the best moments. Those are the moments that are filled with good times. Those are the moments in which you are able to think that it is going to be perfect, when the moment actually happens. But, the moment is reality, and reality always kinda sucks!

So it took me five years because in the interim I have been doing a lot of personal appearances and movies and some television series that went into the plumbing and I stopped writing for a while.

Save yer breath! That's just another long list of lies perpetrated by The Man to keep a brutha down!

It's only a joke and the duck didn't really die, and you conservationists are probably all pure vegetarians and don't eat meat or anything like that and you're worried...I hope a butterfly flies up your nose you choke to death!