Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 224
I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.
The thing is, I hate political comedy. I personally loathe it.
You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh?
A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.
Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, "I could never love anyone who ate a diaper."
Your relationship with an agent has got to be mutually beneficial. If you can't help their careers, then they're not going to be interested.
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
I must end it. There is no hope. I will be at peace. No one had anything to do with it. My decision totally.
Yeah, I had to wear a speedo! And I must have weighed like a buck thirty, lookin' like I was in dire need of a serious turkey dinner. I went out on a limb. I was not Mr. Sexy at all - I was very skinny and boney.
I think it go serious in college when I found out I really enjoyed making people laugh. It makes me happy. I said, "I wanna be a comedian, I wanna get good.' You're not good in the beginning. You're still trying to figure out what the things are that you are going to talk about, what your angle is going to be and there's a lot of trial and error. I just never gave up and that was the beginning of my career. Just experimenting, trying it out and falling in love with it.
Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors; eat the whole bag and see God one time in your life.