Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 223
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
This family was raised Catholic and I think there are still some members of the family who are practising Catholics, while others are recovering Catholics! That, to me, is a real part of America and we wanted to represent that.
The world's gone crazy. You got people mad that we got a black president, but he's half white. We claimed our half; y'all get yours. There's some for everybody. He's got some for everybody.
Poverty. Racism. Isn’t it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?
Your relationship with an agent has got to be mutually beneficial. If you can't help their careers, then they're not going to be interested.
Oh, I know: If you’re fat, let’s not blame you, let’s sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin’ out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it’s the tobacco company’s fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let’s blame the gun industry!
As much as Metallica rocked, they always had these song names... ‘The Thing That Shouldn’t Be’. ‘The Chair That Wasn’t There’, you know?
Twitter does have an effect on everything - things you put out there, they are out there for good.
I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.
The guy that designed girls' volleyball uniforms definitely never had daughters.
I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.
I like the humor to come out of character. When you're going for a joke, you're stuck out there if it doesn't work. There's nowhere to go. You've done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you're out on the end of the plank.