Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 223
Bombing teaches you how badly you want to become a comedian. Because unless it’s a burning desire, you’ll quit when the consistent bombing becomes too much to take.
I'm glad them fucking holidays is over. "Don't drink and drive." Motherfucker, how am I going to get home?
I think politics in general are just like a popularity contest but McCain is just… old.
I really think it's crazy that we hit our kids. It really is. Here's the crazy part about it. Kids are the only people in the world that you're allowed to hit. Do you realize that? They're the most vulnerable and they're the most destroyed by being hit, but it's totally OK to hit them. And they're the only ones! If you hit a dog, they fucking will put you in jail for that shit.
The `50s were terrifying with nuclear bomb stuff but boring in a social way and then the `60s were happening, and remember, there was no AIDS.
My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?
I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.
On the weekends, I would go down and play these clubs in Key West or West Palm Beach or surrounding areas of Florida and then I'd go back to school for the week.
I put a basketball in front of George Clooney's door and sprayed it with supermodel perfume to lure him out.
As the fly said while landing on the mirrored coffee table. Well... That's another way of looking at it.
Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce!
So it took me five years because in the interim I have been doing a lot of personal appearances and movies and some television series that went into the plumbing and I stopped writing for a while.
I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming "No, that's not what I said!"