Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 223
I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.
When did they start designing toothbrushes to look like basketball sneakers? Can I just brush my teeth and not be "extreme"?
You can cut your hair how you want, but I think you should get to where you wear it normal for the future.
I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
I like the humor to come out of character. When you're going for a joke, you're stuck out there if it doesn't work. There's nowhere to go. You've done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you're out on the end of the plank.
No human ever became interesting by not failing. The more you fail and recover and improve, the better you are as a person. Ever meet someone who’s always had everything work out for them with zero struggle? They usually have the depth of a puddle. Or they don’t exist.
A timid gray-haired lady boarded a Philadelphia local at Trenton and asked the conductor, “Does this train stop at the Broad Street terminal?” “If it doesn't lady,” he assured her, “you're going to see one heck of a crush!”
When Mrs. Clinton ran for office, she promised economic growth across New York state, to bring in more than 200,000 jobs, ... She has not. We have lost jobs to outsourcing and globalization and to sending our jobs and industries to foreign countries.
Homeland security is a problem... Because, it's a good idea, but it's a problem, because the man who runs it is Tom Ridge. And he is someone who has the leadership qualities of... a gerbil. He was a part of coming up with what is the color coding system of security. You know, orange and yellow, and whatever the fuck the others are. OK? And what's stupid about it is they had it color-coded, like we're in fucking elementary school! There's no need for that! Because every time they tell us what the color is, then they have to fucking explain it, so get rid of the fucking color! Simplify it; there should be three levels of security: Jesus Christ, Goddammit, fuck me!