Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 225
Teachers have a chance to mold someone, inspire them. I hope all teachers realize that.
I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, "I could never love anyone who ate a diaper."
When they made 90210, there were people outside of Beverly Hills who went, Oooooh! But you don't go Oooooh! when you're in there. You're worried about passing the Spanish test.
We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.
My girlfriend wants me to choke her while we're having sex. But I say, what's wrong with while we're having dinner?
Suicide is another thing that's so frowned upon in this society, but honestly, life isn't for everybody. It really isn't. It's sad when kids kill themselves 'cause they didn't really give it a chance, but life is like a movie: if you've sat through more than half of it and it sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the very end for you and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early. Dont get any ideas....
How do you find what's going to make everybody have this strange reaction in their bodies, this response that's sort of chemical and physical all at once - this noise and emotion that changes how you sit? A laugh is a weird sound, and when you get a couple thousand people making it at once, it's really strange. But when I can feel proud of myself for causing it, it's great.
The people of Cleveland hate soccer. But it's my favourite thing and I follow the U.S. men's national team around when they play whenever I can.
Sir one more comment like that and I will strangle you with my microphone wire!