Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 225
I was brought up in a whorehouse in Peoria. My mother and father lived there and worked there.
'I was in heaven and I was in hell, believe in neither but fear them as well'... damn! Were you really in heaven and were you in hell? Here on earth or did you visit another land? This fucking jerk off…
When I was a boy, we had forty five statues of saints in my house. Ever have ninety eyes looking at you every time you have to go to the bathroom?
I have a wife back in LA who is so pissed at me... yeah, she’s so mad I’m sleeping with her husband.
I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.
I'm not making this up - he goes 'Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn't affect your everyday life. But that doesn't mean it's right.' I think it's pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. I'm sorry, but that's not the first animal you jump to when you're writing that analogy.
Man, I’m having a good time man, I found out something recently, I wanna share with you all. Do you know if you have a new baby, you can’t bring your own baby home unless you have a car seat, do you know that? It is a law that you need a car seat to bring your baby home. Question is, how we get home? There were no car seat when I was a baby. I’m going to tell you that right now, my momma would drive with the baby, smoking Newport, hitting the brakes, oh, there go the baby. Oh my baby, I know, it made me mess up my cigarette, this is crazy.
This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.
I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.
I’d like to help other comedians and when I get a little older I’d like to open up a nice comedy club that is straight classy, with a straight restaurant and a chef. The whole thing, red carpet, and treating people nice, for people to come back and have a good time. That’s the kind of comedy club I want to open up.
The thing is, I hate political comedy. I personally loathe it.
We cannot attain the presence of God. We're already totally in the presence of Fod. What's missing is awareness.
I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.
Your relationship with an agent has got to be mutually beneficial. If you can't help their careers, then they're not going to be interested.