Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 225
I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, ''Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres."
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
It is my belief that Latinos in show business have to be self sufficient and creative while aggressively attempting to penetrate post-mogul Hollywood. Self- starting is becoming the path to serious studio support.
I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
Lactose intolerant milk? Kiss my dick! If you're lactose intolerant you can't drink milk. So what's in the fucking carton? Get it out of there, get it away from my milk. It is talking to my milk and making it feel bad about itself.
A kiss is not a contract, but its very nice. Just because you've been exploring my mouth doesn't mean you get to take an expedition for the south.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
My girlfriend likes to play doctor. So I always make her wait 90 minutes before I see her.
I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.