Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 236
I had done the sitcom thing to lesser and lesser degrees of success.
Wow. That's a good question. Is "I don't know" an acceptable answer?
On Jerry Springer: “You cultural sodomite. You were an aide to Bobby Kennedy, which explains your connection to Hasselhoff. I guess you like to hang around guys whose careers end on a hotel floor.”
Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
To make boxing training more exciting my trainer dresses as a ninja and yells, 'Ive never felt pain like this!! Who is this human!?'
People don't let politicians kiss your babies. Those lips have been on lobbyist asses for years now.
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
There is no such thing as bad language: it's just our morals that are fucked.
I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?
As rewarding as a good film role can be, there is just nothing like getting up on a stage and taking an audience for a ride. You make a movie, and the audience may not see it for another 10 months. Here, you know immediately their reaction.
Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.