Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 236
Oh yeah he thinks he’s possessed by Scar, the evil lion from lion king, because that happens!
50 Cent is a hero to me because he's overcome so many things. He's been shot nine times and lived. I had a cousin got shot once in the ankle. Dead. I had to go to the funeral. I was mad. "Man, you ain't hard! You ain't hard!"
If you want to drink, have a drink... if you want to drive, then drive... there's nothing worse than having a smash sober...
Being on TV sucks. It's a lot of work. You memorize scripts and then you show up and they change everything. I'm a control freak. When I'm doing stand-up, I say what I want and then I get instant feedback.
That's sort of a silly question. Day 15 is too soon, but Day 16 is all right?
There are only two pieces of pussy you're gonna get in your entire life, that's your first and your last.
Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
My comedy is for adults, but you can have your kids listen to it. They won't get all the jokes because hopefully I'm more cerebral than a 10-year-old... but if you ask my wife, I'm not!
This is the amount of time you think about sex: every once in a while. The problem becomes, when you think about it, it's all you can think about. It encompasses your whole brain. You're like a fucking werewolf or something. Usually you're a civilized human being, but then every couple of days, you?re like 'arrrgh.' Then you've got to close the blinds.
The blessing is that everyone knows who I am because of the commercials.
Full House was a show that was done for ten-year-olds. The critics hated it. They said terrible, terrible things about it. But it should have been reviewed by ten-year-olds. That's who it was made for. They loved it. And if they loved it, great. Why the hell does a fifty-year-old guy working at a big newspaper have to tell me I'm a piece of crap?
I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about.
I had done the sitcom thing to lesser and lesser degrees of success.