Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 237
I'm gonna tell you right now - somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke.
Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid.
Being on TV sucks. It's a lot of work. You memorize scripts and then you show up and they change everything. I'm a control freak. When I'm doing stand-up, I say what I want and then I get instant feedback.
I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about.
White person write you a check, you can take it to the bank in the morning. Brother write you a check, he's gonna postdate it next Friday, look you straight in the eye and say, 'If you go in there Thursday, the money won't be there.'
Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.
You know you're getting old when... you start to dress in more than six colours.
But I think the other is a little more like bullfighting, a little more daring and although I appreciate good acting and I liked being versatile my whole career, it kept me working.
Field of Dreams is the only movie - and I saw it in the theater - on an afternoon when I was on location somewhere, and there were like 12 people in the theater. I was just so devastated; I couldn't get out of my seat. And I sat and watched it a second time.
I don't have techno-fear, I have techno-joy! I love technology! I love to get a new machine. Every time I get a new machine, I think, "This is the one! I won't have to work again; I've got this thing!" And if you have techno-joy, you get the instructions, you unwrap it, and you throw the instructions out the window! Forget them! Fuck 'em! On. I must know how this works, I've used machines before!
America is grappling with cultural diversity, and I just want to put a show on that represents the world in which I live.
The worst person is the person that resists change. You could be that angry older guy who can be mad about it or you can embrace it. Anytime you try something different, people are going to be like, ‘That’s not how it used to be.’ It was. Guess what? That’s how it is. You have to adapt to it. You can’t be mad.
I said, 'How would you like to be in one place?' He said, 'What place?' I could have said, 'Des Moines.'