Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 237
To be known by the public, honestly. People come up and tell them how good I make them feel.
Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
It isn't how much time you spend somewhere that makes it memorable; it's how you spend the time.
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She’ll be in front of everyone with her um… breast… out feeding it. You know… cereal or whatever.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person - so I can get a better girlfriend.
You know, we're missing so much as African-Americans and we should be concerned about what's going on in Africa.
I don't think I'm a part of my mind that's always working - keeping a record of things that might be funny.
Homeland security is a problem... Because, it's a good idea, but it's a problem, because the man who runs it is Tom Ridge. And he is someone who has the leadership qualities of... a gerbil. He was a part of coming up with what is the color coding system of security. You know, orange and yellow, and whatever the fuck the others are. OK? And what's stupid about it is they had it color-coded, like we're in fucking elementary school! There's no need for that! Because every time they tell us what the color is, then they have to fucking explain it, so get rid of the fucking color! Simplify it; there should be three levels of security: Jesus Christ, Goddammit, fuck me!