Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 237
"I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'"
You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.
I couldn't wait to be, you know, a Black Panther. Of course they wouldn't let me join.
The worst person is the person that resists change. You could be that angry older guy who can be mad about it or you can embrace it. Anytime you try something different, people are going to be like, ‘That’s not how it used to be.’ It was. Guess what? That’s how it is. You have to adapt to it. You can’t be mad.
I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!
My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.
I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?
A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."
Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.
I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
"You told your mother I was gonna blow you up with a fucking pumpkin bomb? What did she say?" "She. Was. Terrified. She wants me to move home."
I am not promoting the use of drugs, I'm just saying if you're gonna have a war against drugs, have 'em against all drugs including alcohol, the number one offender, or shut the fuck up!
Kids will spend $500 on sneakers but won`t spend $200 on "Hooked-on-Phonics".
It isn't how much time you spend somewhere that makes it memorable; it's how you spend the time.