Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 235
Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
I don't really frick with Africa cause people are starving to death and that's not ballin' to me.
I've tried actively to define myself and redefine myself, and not be pigeonholed.
We get up early Sunday morning, and we have cereal and orange juice and we make crank calls.
A black President? Now come on y'all, we got Clinton, that's close. He got negro tendencies.
Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because, if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn't you believe him?
No matter how bad things are, you can at least be happy that you woke up this morning.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person - so I can get a better girlfriend.
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
Tiger Woods is a billionaire. Do you know how much ass you can get with a billion dollars? I know guys with $20 and a pack of Newports who'd try to screw your whole neighborhood.
I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?
People don't let politicians kiss your babies. Those lips have been on lobbyist asses for years now.