Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 246
What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.
Is it weird that when your wife’s giving you oral sex, that you go "We're going to make a mouth baby!"
James Cagney, who said to Mickey Mouse, "You dirty rat!" Never got a dinner!
Now it’s time for amasians... That’s Asians doing something amazing.
Latinos are black, white, brown, beige. What does that say about our ancestors? We'll sleep with anybody!
Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.
The whole thing is if the dog’s in the room with you during sex and you don’t know he’s there. And you’re going pretty good and you hear an extra set of breathing. You’re scared to open your eyes. You think the kids are selling tickets or something.
Next time a golden plate falls from the heavens, go ahead and put it in your spam file. Let's not base your entire life on a religion that's old enough for my dad to be like, 'Oh yeah, that's not true. That didn't happen.'
I felt ashamed for what I had done. I don't have any excuses. I did what I did. I take full responsibility for myself and my actions. I wouldn't pawn this off on anybody. I'm sorry it happened. And I hurt people.
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
It's not called cocaine any more. It's now referred to as "Crack Classic."
Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.
What’s wrong about eating cows? What do you think god made them for? Their big, their stupid, their delicious. You want more reasons? I never met an animal more prepared to die than a cow. Next time you go to the farm look at a cow in the eyes, it is begging you for a bullet.