Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 246
I was walking around Taiwan and bought some flip flops for my feet. I said I wonder where were these made. Looked under the bottom. It said, "just around the corner."
I'm not gonna lie, I love the holidays. But Christmas was a lot more fun when you weren't paying for it.
People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Well, you know, my name is Ced and I kinda consider myself an entertainer. Hey that ain’t bad yeah, Cedric the Entertainer.
Latinos are black, white, brown, beige. What does that say about our ancestors? We'll sleep with anybody!
Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
Honestly, it’s my experience that most people that totally suck at something think they are awesome. And a lot of people who think they suck are actually awesome.
I'm not a big one for jokes. I can't tell a joke, believe it or not. If you gave me a thousand bucks and said, 'Don, get up at a party and tell a joke', I'm the worst.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious - nobody saw me.
Hard work is fine if its a work of passion but just to work hard to buy shit to impress people. You're a fucking loser.
And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I have a smart kid; I don't want a smart kid. I'm gonna start feedin' her lead paint chips just to bring her down.