Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 258

People always ask "Rich, why don't you take a vacation?" Why would I? I have no interests or hobbies. The only things I care about are naked women and comedy. If I do my job well it often provides both.

That's when you know you're pretty fucked up, when it makes sense to fall asleep... I was driving between Needles and Barstow... It's about 120 miles of desert... It's four in the morning, man... Hey, this is a pretty good time to go to sleep... So I totaled this fuckin' car out, man!... I fuckin' totaled it! And it made sense at the time!

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

Good evening everybody, ladies, gentlemen... Felicity.

When I walk around, sometimes people recognize me from things they've seen me in, TV or whatever. And they'd say, you know, stuff, and a lot of times, I wouldn't hear what they'd said because I had headphones on. So, I kinda just go, 'Cool, man. Glad you like the show.' And I'd just keep walking. And this one guy said something to me one time, and I went, 'Cool, man. Glad you like the show.' And then right when I walked past him, I realized, 'Oh, man, that guy didn't say anything about the show.' He went, 'Hey, man, your fly's down.' And I went, 'Cool, man. Glad you like the show. Glad you like seeing my dick pop out of my pants. Come back next week, you can see one of my balls.'

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for...

I don’t like thank you cards because I don’t know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? "See Front."

Anything you have to acquire a taste for was not meant to be eaten.

I know how to get sisters. I got 30 years practicing that. All you got to do is go to the club and say, 'I got that rent money.'

Does anyone have a mother that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And fuck you up wherever she was aiming. So by the time I was like ten, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe.

Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

I don't pay attention to the number of birthdays. It's weird when I say I'm 53. It just is crazy that I'm 53. I think I'm very immature. I feel like a kid. That's why my back goes out all the time, because I completely forget I can't do certain things anymore - like doing the plank for 10 minutes.

I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents. That surprised me, I was like "Mom did you read this?"