Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 258
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
In New York now, they have Harvey Milk High School for gay students. They don't have much of a football team, but the half-time show...
I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like it's crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like it's laughing. Nowadays, we would say, "How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask."
I don't pay attention to the number of birthdays. It's weird when I say I'm 53. It just is crazy that I'm 53. I think I'm very immature. I feel like a kid. That's why my back goes out all the time, because I completely forget I can't do certain things anymore - like doing the plank for 10 minutes.
That was funny, yet sad. Kind of like getting tit-fucked by a clown.
The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe house he was going to escape to in the carbomb. And I love that he locked the carbomb. "Nobody's getting my Ipod." Then he left the keys to carbomb hanging out of the tailgate of the carbomb, and built the carbomb out of fertilizer that wouldn't explode. I have been doing comedy for 25 years and I have never been that funny.
He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.
If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.
The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bullshit.
Look at this dais... you've got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pornographer... and then eight white people.
One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again.
Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.