Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 259

I swear some days I think I owe my toilet an apology.

I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like it's crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like it's laughing. Nowadays, we would say, "How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask."

My family wasn’t very religious. On Hanukkah, they had a menorah on a dimmer.

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

But my kids, my brothers' kids - they think about trying to top what we did.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Well, we're living in a material world, and I'm a material girl... or boy.

My sister loves dirty comedy. She'll laugh hysterically at every foul word, every titillating premise, every fart noise and every faggot impression. It will come as no surprise then, when I tell you that her favorite comic is Janeane Garofalo. She thinks she's really cool. Her favorite movie moment of all time is that scene in "The Truth About Cats and Dogs" when Janeane's character, on roller skates, is pulled down the street by a couple of dogs. Regardless of where you are on the whole alternative comedy debate, you gotta admit, that shit was funny.

The things I talk about in my comedy are my experiences. I just do what I know.

New York is a funny place. I was at the coffee shop last week, and I'm paying the cashier for my cup of coffee, and the other girl got sprayed by the espresso machine with the hot milk. And her shirt was burning her, and so she just ripped it off. But she forgot she has no bra on, and so she just ran in the back. And the cashier looks at me and goes, 'That'll be an extra two bucks.'

Have you seen that magazine "Barely Legal"? That means when you look at it, you're "almost" a pedophile.