Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 257
Does anyone have a mother that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And fuck you up wherever she was aiming. So by the time I was like ten, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe.
People always ask "Rich, why don't you take a vacation?" Why would I? I have no interests or hobbies. The only things I care about are naked women and comedy. If I do my job well it often provides both.
Old peoples' skin sags because it's being pulled toward the underworld.
I was raised to believe that you had to do things better than white people in order to succeed. The old black shows were better than the white shows. The Jeffersons was a lot better. Good Times was way funnier. Sanford and Son. Now, though, everyone thinks we're equal, so we submit the same s... that everyone else submits. And then we get mad when they won't air it. You got to go back to the old attitude of it has to be twice as good.
I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.
I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know... I should have heard them hiding.
Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
Mexico sent 39 trucks filled with Mexican soldiers to help out the cause. Now, first of all, they said it was 39 trucks and 180 soldiers. I'm a beaner, and I'm telling you white people, that's a bullshit number right off the bat! There's at least a thousand beaners there right now!