Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 267

I care about the work I do. But I'm not going to say that money's not an issue.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat... college.

Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs!

This is embarrassing. My friend accidentally killed himself masturbating when he was just trying to kill himself.

Swallow bitch, there’s people starving in Africa.

My life is a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that’s what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.

The success of any stand-up act comes out of life experience.

I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child. 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap.'

I remember when I took a temp job... so I got a job at a department store. Something temporary to put on my resume, my parents said. Yeah... till I die!

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

If I stop complaining I'll have nothing to compain about.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

You have to hold your hand out, cuz the steam makes you angry. Try to bring your hand in, "ooh! I hate steam! Whoever invented steam sucks!"

Not all drugs are good, all right? Some of them... are great. Just gotta know your way around them, is all.

If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.