Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 268

See that salesman, twirling that umbrella. I invented that.

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.

I’m actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I’m in the Special Olympics or something.

You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for...

Good evening everybody, ladies, gentlemen... Felicity.

In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

Cell phones are like a dog’s nipples. You don’t have to shout into them.

Parents are trying to be friends with their kids rather than draw the line and tell them what proper public behavior would be.

My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Abysmal vermin that I am, I couldn't of course tell her that it was her incredible mother that I wanted to see again… I knew only as I drove through the cold, night autumn air that somewhere Freud, Sophocles and Eugene O’Neill were laughing.

No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.