Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 269
You give a white kid some napkins and duck sauce, they'll make a bomb.
Not all drugs are good, all right? Some of them... are great. Just gotta know your way around them, is all.
Why would you hire MTV to do music? MTV has nothing to do with music, ok? MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken. MTV is video, and video goes where? In your eye, music goes in your ear. Ear eye, eye ear, big fucking difference! Music is like a drug, when you hear it you have a vision, and that vision can change over time or remain the same.
The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!
Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool!'
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
I sort of try to write everything for me. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I'm trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they're accessible to everyone.
Squaring numbers are just like women. If they’re under thirteen, just do them in your head.
I care about the work I do. But I'm not going to say that money's not an issue.
My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the size of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.