Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 269
My sister might be dumb, but that doesn't make her all that different from the rest of us. She's just like any other American. Except she's Canadian. And retarded.
I know some of you got upset when I called that woman a cunt, but someone steals over a thousand dollars from me I call ‘em what the fuck I want.
Sometimes if a woman has a really nice butt she'll wear tight pants. And then everyone looks at her butt when she walks by. That's nice, but it seems like a waste. Everybody's looking there, I feel like we should put important information on the butt. We should put the photos of missing children right on there.
Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
I don’t like thank you cards because I don’t know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? "See Front."
What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
The pleasure of the mulch pile is incomprehensible. I wouldn't care if they just hauled the mulch to the landfill somewhere. Obviously, grass clippings are biodegradable, but when they're bunched together at the landfill, they become badly influenced by other garbage.
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.
Speeding is like drugs. It makes everything come at you fast, and when you go back to normal driving, safe driving, prudent driving, it seems boring. That's the danger of drugs. At first it's intoxicating, but then the rest of your life you're trying to find that very first time. It never is the same.
Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?
At family gatherings in the holidays, there was always some aunt, you know, with a moustache and a wart on her head, and she gives you a big sloppy kiss, ssssshhhhhkkkkk, you know, but when you try to go further with her... Oh boy. You know!
Brothers act like they couldn’t have been slaves back 200 years ago. It ain’t like the motherfuckers liked that shit. “I wish I was a slave, I would fuck somebody up! Shit, tell me to bale some motherfucking cotton! I would been on the street and shit, would’ve come up and say, ‘Ay, yo, n*****, bale this cotton!’ I would say, ‘Suck my dick, massa!’”...<br /> The first dude who got off the boat said that shit. <br /> “Bale that cotton!”<br /> “Fuck you motherfucker!”<br /> [crack of a whip]<br /> The other motherfuckers said, “We’ll bale the shit. Just keep that fucking shit away from me.”