Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 281

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

So then, what do you believe in? Sex and death. Two things that come once in my lifetime. But at least after death you're not nauseous.

So when I say we had been the cowards, yes, that's what I meant, we as a society. And that's everybody, including myself. I had been screaming about the drug war and this war and other wars. I should have been more on terrorism, too. So should you, so should everybody.

You just dumb, son. You just dumb.

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

'I before E except after C?' Americans don't want to learn that! They just sort of make an 'I' looking 'E' and an 'E' looking 'I' then put the dot, right there in the middle!

Never seen my friends do more push-ups, trying to challenge Cruises' manhood. It was like, "I can be strong, too!"

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

Not everyone in school needs to look like a slut but there should always be one... and I enjoyed being her.

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.

I don't want to overthrow the government. I wanna fire 'em.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.

Jay Leno's the only guy on earth who could have a bobble head made of him that would bobble less than his actual head.