Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 281
My Elizabeth was as pure as the driven snow; and I am the only driver she ever had!
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.
Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
I'd love to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty my balls glow. Low fuel, balls are empty.
A lot of people complain in the year 2003 that it's not the world of tomorrow as foreseen in the 1950s. 'Where are the flying cars?' people say. 'Where are the robots who bring us blue drinks and warn us of danger?' Alright. We don't have those things, specifically, folks, but you know what we do have? Laser vaginal rejuvenation surgery.
Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you’ll always lose because of the Mexicans.
This is the big one! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join ya, honey!
Not everyone in school needs to look like a slut but there should always be one... and I enjoyed being her.
You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know, and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready? Non-smokers die every day... Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke, but let me be the 1st to POP that bubble and bring you hurling back to reality... You're dead too.