Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 287
I’m not fat. It’s just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.
You might be a redneck if your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
But it’s like guys are thinking, "I don't want to fuck her, what is she doing on my television?"
I'll be spending the holidays with my family. Nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm.
Jay Leno's the only guy on earth who could have a bobble head made of him that would bobble less than his actual head.
The thing about kids is that they express emotion. They don’t hold back. If they want to cry, they cry, and if they are in a good mood, they’re in a good mood.
My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people, want to be accepted. It's one of the few things we have in common. My whole life, all I ever wanted was my dad to pat me on the top of the head and go, "Who's a good boy ? Who's a good boy?" But, instead, all he ever did was wipe peanut butter on the end of my nose and laugh while I tried to lick it off.
A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'
Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single…"
I was so self-conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.
I love President Bush. I think it's great we have a president who always looks like he's looking directly into the sun.
Just honest. To me, being 'politically incorrect' means the opposite of being political - which means to spin everything. That's all it's ever meant to me. It's never meant liberal or conservative. It means honest.