Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 286

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid.

I'm a postmodern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.

Most of the people around me have a vested interest in how much money I make. You know, so a celebrity could find themselves in a position where people could have meetings about their life without them involved. And when I say 'their life' I mean not their professional life either. They could talk about their personal life.

I don't know who you niggas are talking about "let's go back to Africa." But after seeing Hotel Rwanda and Blood Diamond, you can sell my ticket! I'm staying right here. I'll take my chances with the Klan. I can outrun a fat redneck, but I can't outrun no Tutu.

I keep it very family-friendly. Every now and then I’ll slip a little bit, but that’s just the way I perform.

May your dreams be sweet and your nightmares be spooky-monster-scary and not grandma-died-scary.

You know that dumb song 'More money, more problems'? Yeah, because you're goin' down to the fuckin' titty bar with money hangin' out of your pocket, dumpin' Cristal all over a rug in front of people who work in cubicles. More titty bars, more problems... is really what it is.

I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world... That's me... But to my wife...

Get a toilet.. when you flush it says "Thanks for shitting me.. I enjoyed your shit"

Listening to your tape, I was reminded of this poem. It has the central question: Is it harder to count on someone or to know that you're being the one counted upon? Anyway, there's this part that goes: if equal affection cannot be, then let the more loving one be me. Have you ever read that one? It's one of my favorites.

There's a lot more hypocrisy than before. Racism has gone back underground.

Junk runs in the family. My granddad was a junk man in St. Louis and so was my uncle.

Music played a large role in the survival of the black people in America - that and a sense of humor that just couldn't be enslaved.