Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 288
I usually travel with a posse. I roll deep. I travel like a rapper, but without the artillery. We don't carry guns, we carry cookies.
Terrorists are planning to disrupt our democratic process. It's scary I know, but we're not going to let al Qaeda tell us what to do. In fact, our government has decided that if al Qaeda attempts to disrupt our democratic process, we are going to respond by disrupting it first.
No matter what tricks you use or what decisions you make, go easy on yourself as someone who’s on a never-ending quest for improvement.
How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That’s all America is: a government. There’s no such thing as ‘we’re Americans.’ That’s just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You’re not an American. You’re a guy, you’re a person, you’re an individual.
May your dreams be sweet and your nightmares be spooky-monster-scary and not grandma-died-scary.
I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Masturbate".
"Eulogy" which is the independent film I did this Spring is being screened this week, but I'm just part of a large ensemble cast, so they can't blame me totally if it tanks.
President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that's primarily Spanish.
My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the size of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.
Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.
I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs.