Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 289
I'm coming back. And when I get back, then we'll be together forever - forever and ever and ever - until death. Even beyond - beyond death: two souls enmesh as one soul! One soul floating for all of eternity in the great abyss, the aftermath, that which remains unknown to all who dwell in the trappings of mortal flesh, until the final passing!' Anyway, that's what I left on her answering machine. She hasn't called back yet.
Most of the people around me have a vested interest in how much money I make. You know, so a celebrity could find themselves in a position where people could have meetings about their life without them involved. And when I say 'their life' I mean not their professional life either. They could talk about their personal life.
I think comedy evolves constantly. I reinvent myself all the time. I always find a way to entertain myself because I truly believe you have to entertain yourself in order to relate it the right way to your audience.
Race makes things funny. A black guy driving in NASCAR: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Tide: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Aunt Jemima: hilarious.
I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.
Most people think white people can't dance. Truth is, white people be too fucked up to dance.
I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
The weather is out of control throughout the entire country. Where ever you go, it's 90, then it's 30, then it's 80, then it's 20, and my balls can't take it. They're big and then small. Big, small, big, small. Apparently, I can't have kids, cause my sperm are gagging.
I love President Bush. I think it's great we have a president who always looks like he's looking directly into the sun.
For me, anything goes when I pick up a mike. I'm not trying to hurt people - I try not to get too personal - but I look at myself as a reporter. If you can report on anything that has to do with pop culture, then why can't I make jokes about it? Yes, it hurts. But I figure that laughter sometimes starts from pain. You might wince, but then I know that I'm doing my job. The only thing I can do wrong is not be funny.
Your parents want you to go to college because while you're away at college, they're fucking on your bed.