Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 289

I'm coming back. And when I get back, then we'll be together forever - forever and ever and ever - until death. Even beyond - beyond death: two souls enmesh as one soul! One soul floating for all of eternity in the great abyss, the aftermath, that which remains unknown to all who dwell in the trappings of mortal flesh, until the final passing!' Anyway, that's what I left on her answering machine. She hasn't called back yet.

We're the geniuses of the house because only a person intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.

Cakes are the only food we write on. It’s always so encouraging like “Happy Birthday Leo,” “Congratulations Eric.” I feel like we’re missing an opportunity. I’m talking about negative cakes - “Surprise, You’re Adopted.” Cause that’s when you want cake.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

A sail boat that sails backwards can never see the sun rise.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

I never would have thought being high in a zoo would lead to that.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

I went to Ethiopia, and it dawned on me that you can tell a starving, malnourished person because they've got a bloated belly and a bald head. And I realized that if you come through any American airport and see businessmen running through with bloated bellies and bald heads, that's malnutrition, too.

All television is an advertisement - that’s why it exists. It wasn’t the art-form first and then the commerce - it was that they could put on entertainment long enough to distract people into looking at products. It’s for focusing people on advertising and separating you from money in some way. Some people forget that. The side product is that we get some great eye candy. TV is the best it has ever been right now. I don’t have a problem with that since it’s what keep us employed.

Terrorists are planning to disrupt our democratic process. It's scary I know, but we're not going to let al Qaeda tell us what to do. In fact, our government has decided that if al Qaeda attempts to disrupt our democratic process, we are going to respond by disrupting it first.

Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.