Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 293
Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.
I never think I feel cynical in general. Cynical is reality with an alternate spelling. I feel there's a gigantic amount of injustice and overt crime every day in the world, from emotional crimes to international crimes, and it often carries rewards.
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics." "Oh yeah, that's cool, I wanna watch the fat guy." "Come on dude, you can take that hill."
Here goes all these rumors writin' about me. I see on the paper, one of'em says "Martin tries to jump out of a plane using his jacket as a parachute." Now ain't that some bullshit! As I'm trying to get my life together, they're gonna write that bullshit. I know damn well you can't jump out no plane using your jacket as a parachute. Shit, I know you got to use your pants.
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.
I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.
There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.
There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Frankly, I'm in shock. I just can't believe it... even though I had every reason to expect it.