Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 295
There’s been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole your job? Oh yeah, that dream job of the Chinese Delivery man pedaling up Broadway delivering Chinese food for 40 cents an hour, or on the back of a landscaping truck with 15 others.
Cause once someone says "fuck you," there's no comeback. 'Fuck you!' "Fuck me? Yeah, that's right, fuck me."
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'
I can't play no slave. I got three kids, man. How my kids going to respect me if they see me playing a slave? "Little Damon, you get down off that chair before I spank your behind." "Yeah, you weren't so tough when mastuh was kicking your ass."
Y'know, God experimented with the other animals before he got around to us. You ladies oughtta thank him for creating the cow, and getting that udder idea out of his head!
I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.
Do not taste food while you’re cooking... you may lose your nerve to eat it.
Sometimes It feels like the world is just being mean, like when it’s windy out. I’ll just be walking down the street and it’s like the world saying to me "Hey, you like air? Yeah? Yeah? You need that to breathe? Here’s some fucking air right in your face, there you go. Breathe up, stupid."