Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 295

I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.

Hitler also once tried a juice cleanse.

Frankly, I'm in shock. I just can't believe it... even though I had every reason to expect it.

I am a minimalist. I like saying the most with the least.

You are what you eat.....I'm a cunt!

It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.

The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.

Do not taste food while you’re cooking... you may lose your nerve to eat it.

See I don't drink, I smoke. I used to drink, I did, I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing to their lights thinking I'd made it to another club. Hey what is this, a leather bar? Hey I'm not into this, you faggots, oh SHIT!

You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

I would knock at the door, and I'd be like, 'Dad, are you OK?' And he was so high, he couldn't respond with anything that had to do with the question. You literally heard him in there go, 'I'm in the garage.'

Used to go to church, but church is getting too expensive. Cover charge is a bitch. I went one Sunday; they was passing around eight, nine plates. I just pulled my own plate, started passing that around.

My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

I can't play no slave. I got three kids, man. How my kids going to respect me if they see me playing a slave? "Little Damon, you get down off that chair before I spank your behind." "Yeah, you weren't so tough when mastuh was kicking your ass."

I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.