Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 294
The Ford Flex is a really, really cool car. You get inside and you have so much headroom and it's really comfortable to drive and it's real techy inside. You look at the screen and it's blue and you've got all kinds of controls. Everything is digital.
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Girls, do yourself a favor, don't ever bring us anywhere to pick anything out - ever, ever. You don't need us there.
Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world... That's me... But to my wife...
Two old maids on a beach, streaker ran past, one had a stroke, the other one couldn’t reach.
I think what's dangerous is the idea that someone can wash away your sins.
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'
My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'.
Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.
If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.
I married a white guy. Honestly, I had to. My credit was fucked up.
Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.
Can you imagine being bilingual? Or even knowing anybody that was? I'm not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldn't say that. I don't give myself enough credit. I know enough English to, you know, get by. I can order in restaurants and stuff.