Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 320
I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.
Fatherhood means a great deal to me. I love it. To me, there aint nothing better, because your kids keep it real with you. When you think things are bad, you look at them and they show you how things could be all right, and it's all worth it.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
The most dramatic realization was that in surrender I would find more freedom and power than I'd ever known.
You might be a redneck if your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
Jerry Weintraub, the producer, might be a pain in the ass, but he really knows how to treat his actors.
My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
Sheep are not considered the most intelligent animals but British scientist say humans may have underestimated the woolly creatures. In fact, the British scientific community is even suggesting that the animals might even be "Irish-smart."
The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.
I usually feel pretty good about myself. I know what I look like. You’d bang me, but you wouldn’t blog about it. You won’t be Twittering “You won’t believe who I’m inside.” It’s fine.
Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.
The only people flying to Europe will be terrorists, so it will be, "Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?"
The only reaction that frightens me is people not laughing. It's extraordinary to me when you get a laugh. That you can go in front of a bunch of people you never met before, you can say some stuff and they all laugh in unison - that's amazing. It's a miracle.
I think it’s appropriate to start off with a rape joke. It’s good to find out what kind of audience I’m dealing with.