Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 320

What do gardeners do when they retire?

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House.

Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty. I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, "Is someone sitting there?" just say, "No one-except the Lord."

I used to have sex with my teachers in exchange for good grades on teacher evaluations.

I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.

Give me tired old whore porn... I can imagine she would at least fuck you well.

"Would you like a nice cold fish head? They're frozen solid: frozen head of fish, the eyeballs in there and the skeleton's coming out. It comes with a turnip and a spork." "I was wishing you had one of them left; wishing upon a star."

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

It was stupid behaviour. And you take a look at the explosion, and it knocks you down and you wake up every morning and you're scared and you're depressed and sad, and you kind of got to let that knock you down and knock you down.

I found a great new weed killer, but it stains the carpet.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

There's nothing wrong with dating younger men. My husband and I, we get along except for music because music dates you. He loves hip-hop - that's his thing, he loves rap music - but I like jazz. But he's started to enjoy jazz because I like to listen to jazz while we're having sex. Yeah, right, so now he loves jazz because he associates it with sex. He hears that jazz, he's like, 'That's my cue! It's on now!' But now, I can't even enjoy my music. I'm listening to Miles Davis, washing dishes. I turn around, he's standing there butt naked: 'Did ya call me?'

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.