Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 321
There's nothing wrong with dating younger men. My husband and I, we get along except for music because music dates you. He loves hip-hop - that's his thing, he loves rap music - but I like jazz. But he's started to enjoy jazz because I like to listen to jazz while we're having sex. Yeah, right, so now he loves jazz because he associates it with sex. He hears that jazz, he's like, 'That's my cue! It's on now!' But now, I can't even enjoy my music. I'm listening to Miles Davis, washing dishes. I turn around, he's standing there butt naked: 'Did ya call me?'
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awww, look at it... like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.
The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
Gay pride's beautiful. If somebody needs to be expressing that, then it's a positive thing.