Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 321
You know what hilarious means? Hilarious means so funny that you almost went insane when you heard that shi... its so funny that is almost ruined your life. You're homeless now because you can't cope or reason anymore. Because that hilarious thing just shattered your mind and three months later you got shit and leaves in your hair and you're drenched in pee in the gutter. That's how funny hilarious is.
When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky.
L.A. is such a different place. I miss New York so much. I almost teared up when I came back and wanted a Guinness and realized I could drink it and take a cab home. I remembered that I could be a functional alcoholic in New York, like I used to be!
(Referring to the Muslim concept of achieving 72 virgins upon arrival in heaven) The first half-dozen or so will be nice, but after that, I'm going to want a pro.
I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New Hampshire. I have no idea what's going to happen with our country in the future.
This country has fuck-up fatigue. That's when someone fucks up so much, that when they fuck up again, people go, "Well, what do you expect? He's a fuck-up." And that's fucked up!
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Lieutenant Governor Paterson - blind, black guy - gets sworn in. First thing he says is, 'By the way, cheated on my wife. Let's just get that out in the open right now.' He didn't need to admit that. He's blind. Could have said it was an accident.
Dude i know what you mean with the jelly, tell this twat to get some fucking jelly.
It's because of men like you that women like that fuck guys like me.