Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 319
I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp - just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man.
Most of my family were nuts. My mother gave my sister's dolls polio shots.
I have a disease, I'm alergic to stupid shit. now some of y'all might have that same disease. But if you have the disease, you know for a fact, that it does not start when you're an adult; It starts when you're a child. I remember as a child being allergic to stupid Shit.
Without Brett Favre, they wouldn’t have Brett Favre, and that’s what that’s all about.
Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911? Aaaalrighty then.
I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.
At my age, the only thing hot waiting for me in my dressing room is a bowl of soup.
You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.
If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
I went home with this French guy 'cause he said something adorable, like, 'I have an apartment.'
Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning.
You like cheese without the corners, in other words you’ll never be a slice bitch!
With school out, teens are looking for jobs, things like lifeguards. But L.A. public pools do not have lifeguards. We have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, “Are you happy with the decisions you’re making”? Then they give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.