Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 324

I loathed every day and regret every day I spent in school.

Jewish comics today are less jokey. Their humor comes at the end, rather than as in Vaudeville where the jokes came at you.

They have a section called, 'New Baby.' I don't think you need the word 'new.' They'd have to clear up confusion. 'Do you have an Old Baby section? 'Cause my friend's had a baby, and I let time get away from me, and he's 12.'

I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something. There's that story about how Eric Clapton saw Jimi Hendrix play, and he supposedly went home and cried because he could never be that good. I would never do anything that fruity, but I can relate to that. I wish I was as great as other guys, and that sucks. So I get the blues, and I self-medicate.

The judge asked, "what do you plead?" I said, "Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

During the riots, blacks and Mexicans showed how smart we are. They told us where to go steal shit. We ran to K-Mart, loaded up with shit. Walked out the door. And then we did interviews with evidence in our hands. I'm watching the news going, "Fuck Armando! Put the radio down!"

I can remember a time in this country when men were proud to get cancer, goddammit! It was a sign of manhood! John Wayne had cancer twice. Second time, they took out one of his lungs. He said, "Take 'em both! I don't fucking need 'em! I'll grow gills and breathe like a fish!"

You need an audience to help you figure out what’s working and what’s worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what’s worth touring with.

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.'

If I know your sexuality within the first thirty-seconds of meeting you, you're fucking annoying.

You've got guys in charge of shows who probably went to school for chemistry, and now they're executive producers.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.