Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 324
I’m driving down the highway, there’s a guy hitchhiking he’s holding a sign that says ‘heaven’. So i hit him.
I said I didn't respect religion... and anyone who believes in fairy tales to answer questions that we can't answer. So I don't respect our religions either. But I do believe it is a clash of civilizations, absolutely, between the Islamic world and the Western world. It has been going on for 1,000 years.
The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Since the bus, a lot of people go to Florida who wouldn't if they had to hire a driver.
You can't expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes you'll miss. But I think comedians are artists and there's a value in failure. It kind of works both ways between comedians and audiences. The audience has to understand that comedians are going to sometimes tell a joke that doesn't work out with dark subjects, and the comedian has to understand that sometimes they 'll fail and it's not the audience's fault for not getting it or loving it.
You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.
I'd like to protect children, too, but… is everything worth sacrificing to that? I mean, drugs have done a lot of good. … They've midwived a lot of good ideas… lot of great songs, you know? I think "Penny Lane" is worth 10 dead kids. … I think Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. There, I said it.
Rush Limbaugh, who has made a career preaching that anybody who does drugs has got to go right to jail - do not pass go, no questions asked, right to jail - gets caught doing thirty oxycontin a day. Thirty oxycontin?! Do you have any idea how high that is?! I don't, and I've been pretty high!