Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 325

We really see the live shows as something totally separate from the TV show, even if the audience may not see it that way.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

That’s the thing about terrorism - it works. Especially for the terrorists - they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.

I’m a major hypochondriac. I won’t even masturbate anymore. I’m afraid I might give myself something.

Women are more emotional. They do get flustered. Which is not to say that men are better than they. It's simply the way it is.

I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure.

Only God can judge wet t-shirt contests.

The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.

L.A. is such a different place. I miss New York so much. I almost teared up when I came back and wanted a Guinness and realized I could drink it and take a cab home. I remembered that I could be a functional alcoholic in New York, like I used to be!

You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it.

There's a one in six billion chance you'll find your soul mate. And that's if they're not dead. At best they're probably living in some Siberian ice cave eating bugs and weaving beads into their back hair. But they're out there. My dad believed that to find your perfect soul mate, first, you had to look through a bunch of other guys' soul mates.

You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.'

I was never brave before. I always tried to make it work. Now I have nothing to lose except some cash, and it's just not that important to me. I've never been allowed up until now to remain who I am, or true to what my life is like.

Sarcasm - I get it now! See at the time I thought your jokey manner was just the way you were sublimating your shame over the discomfort you feel deep in your soul after extinguishing the last smoldering embers of any of your program’s journalistic bonafides!

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.