Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 325
We got interns at the job. You can just tell them to do stuff. You gotta be nice, though. I had this cat fax something. I handed him a couple of pages, and I handed him another page. I said, 'Hey, man, fax something for yourself, too.'
It's been five years, we still can't catch Osama bin Laden, but we've nailed Martha Stewart and Barry Bonds' ass to the wall. The world's worst terrorist is still dragging his dialysis machine through a Pakistani strip mall right now, but the doily broad and the slugger prick won't bother us again.
I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my own voicemails.
The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books; how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.
That’s the thing about terrorism - it works. Especially for the terrorists - they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.
Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.
Long Island - if you're from out of town, how would I describe it? Well, every girl in my neighborhood looked like Kenny G.
I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.
I loved the old stories in National Lampoon, like the original story the movie Vacation was based on. I used to laugh at them until I cried.
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
I don’t consider myself beautiful or famous, but my vagina certainly is. Everyone knows this. I have the Angelina Jolie of vaginas.
I really want to love somebody. I do. I just don't know if it's possible forever and ever.
What man? Which man? Whose the man? When's a man a man? What makes a man a man? Am I a man? yes, technically I am.