Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 326

Change is such hard work.

I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day.

You might be a redneck if your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

I think it’s appropriate to start off with a rape joke. It’s good to find out what kind of audience I’m dealing with.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he spent two weeks at a nudist colony.

My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.

You know a religion has no sense of humor, when a guy can stand up and say, ‘you know, if you commit suicide for Allah, after you die you will be met in heaven by 70 virgins,' and nobody in the room just goes, 'Ahahaha! Son of a bitch! That was great!'

We really see the live shows as something totally separate from the TV show, even if the audience may not see it that way.

Only God can judge wet t-shirt contests.

Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and, if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction. Tell people you're ninety-seven and they'll think you look fucking great.

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

People will bitch about anything. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t even have to necessarily be a serious topic like religion. It could be anything and people will have a problem. I’m telling you! It could be anything.

I loved when Bush came out and said, "We are losing the war against drugs." You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

I see that they put every black man in the movies in a dress at some point in his career.