Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 326

You got yourself a butt sniffing monkey.

I hate dates. I sit at home all day, and I don't fart once. I go on a date and I've got twenty in the bank straight away.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I think there are people on other planets looking at us and going, “Oh yeah, the Earth, we used to have a place there, but then that whole neighbourhood went”.

What man? Which man? Whose the man? When's a man a man? What makes a man a man? Am I a man? yes, technically I am.

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen’s. They’re all frumpy aren’t they? Because it’s a bad idea when cousin’s marry.

This year, I was cool for 2 seconds of my life. I got to fly with the Airforce Thunderbirds. They called me out of the blue, and said "How would you like to fly with us?" And I'm like "You got the right number?" "Yeah, Bill Engvall, you stand for what America stands for. Be an honor to have you fly with us." And I'm like "I'd be an honor to fly iwth 'ya." "Well, we gotta get you clearance from the Pentagon." I went "Well, I'm screwed."

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'

Lieutenant Governor Paterson - blind, black guy - gets sworn in. First thing he says is, 'By the way, cheated on my wife. Let's just get that out in the open right now.' He didn't need to admit that. He's blind. Could have said it was an accident.

Jen said she'd never ever see me again. When I saw her again, she said it again.

Jerry Lewis has been married twenty times. He gets married on a Tuesday, they find his wife dead in a swimming pool on Thursday. Maybe if you married someone who's old enough to swim next time, Ok Jerry?