Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 327
Frankie Valli sings 'Walk Like A Man, Talk Like A Man'... sings it like a woman!
When you get married, you stand there and you say 'Til death do you part.' That's what you say in the marriage vows - make that vow, stay together forever. The divorce rate is sky high, so everybody's just lying their asses off. Why don't we come clean? Let's be honest, you know? Instead of standing there saying 'Til death do you part,' let's just go, 'I'll give it a shot.'
I got on the property ladder this year. It’s murder getting that deposit together. You start having dark thoughts, looking at your mum and dad thinking, ‘If only they had an accident…’.
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
Stop whining about getting old. It’s a privilege. A lot of people who are dead wish they were still alive.
I've seen a lot of proud sponsors of things; I'd like to see a reluctant sponsor. 'Subaru - reluctant sponsor of the WNBA.'
Ninety isn't old. You're old when your doctor doesn't X-ray you any more - he just holds you up to the light!
Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
I have found that - just as in real life - imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.
I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.