Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 328
I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.
I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.
It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.
If you ever cut your grass and found a car, you might be a redneck.
Now, I'm no bleeding heart, OK? But... when you're walking down the streets of New York City and you're stepping over a guy on the sidewalk who, I don't know, might be dead... Does it ever occur to you to think, "Wow. Maybe our system doesn't work?"
My girlfriend said, "Emo, I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."
Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It's all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick.
Human kindness has no reward. You should give to others in every way you see. You should expect absolutely nothing from anyone. It should be your goal to love every human you encounter. All human suffering that you're aware of and continues without your effort to stop it becomes your crime. Humans are always evolving. If you do one thing that if done by every human would destroy the world, that makes you Hitler... I don't live by any of those. But I believe them all very strongly.
I’m 42 and the age of a guy who has kids, so I guess I’m playing right where I’m supposed to be. I’m comfortable with that, but in the same breath I’d do something edgy. If someone came to me and offered me an edgy and funny story, then I’d do it.
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.