Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 340
I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.
I don’t think there’s anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment.
A few days ago, it was my birthday, and it was in the newspaper, and growing up I never would have guessed that a) my name would be in the newspaper, and b) that I might outlast those papers.
Men don’t give a fuck about kissing. Used to like kissing when we were in our early teens. Then someone sucked our dick. And then, “What’s this kissing thing? Why would I ride on the swings? I’ve already been to Disneyland.”
The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to life your head up and say: ‘Not today, you bastards.’
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
Stop whining about getting old. It’s a privilege. A lot of people who are dead wish they were still alive.
Your career and your passion don’t always match up. Plenty of talented people don’t have the careers they want. Plenty of untalented people make millions and make movies. There is a difference between determination and talent.
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
?As a nigga, we are not prepared to turn down a free god damn drink. We don't give a fuck what it is like 'this is unleaded!? that's spicy than a mothafucka, nigga I like that!