Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 340
I think there are people on other planets looking at us and going, “Oh yeah, the Earth, we used to have a place there, but then that whole neighbourhood went”.
I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?'
I would say that, unfortunately, the word liberal has been redefined over the last 30 years as if it is a bad thing. But liberalism is a great American philosophy. Being a liberal is one of the best things you can be. I don’t think they get a fair shake at all in the conservative mainstream media. So maybe there’s some intimidation there.
I had my hands around his neck but then I saw my bracelet. What would Jesus do?? So I lit him on fire and sent him to hell.
I urge you to ask yourself just how honorable it is to preside over the abuse and suffering of animals.
A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.
Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect.
You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.
Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning.
Seriously, any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, 'Smoke some crack!' 'Get a hooker!' And then I go, 'Yea! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!'
Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot.
I was kicked out of school because of my attitude. I was not assimilating. So I went to work, taking any jobs I could get.