Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 339
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
You can't expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes you'll miss. But I think comedians are artists and there's a value in failure. It kind of works both ways between comedians and audiences. The audience has to understand that comedians are going to sometimes tell a joke that doesn't work out with dark subjects, and the comedian has to understand that sometimes they 'll fail and it's not the audience's fault for not getting it or loving it.
If we're destroying our trees and destroying our environment and hurting animals and hurting one another and all that stuff, there's got to be a very powerful energy to fight that. I think we need more love in the world. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that.
I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that’s what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn’t be dishonest about it.
Change is the nature of God’s mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain.
Here's a way to break up an astrological love-fest: you just stick your head in the middle of the people and go, 'Uh, you know, Hitler was a Sagittarius.'
Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.
It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It’s not so much about being a girl, it’s about being a funny comic.
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ - but any number in between?..
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
I had to have a brace because I had big teeth. If I’d gone to Africa I would have got poached.