Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 339

We ran out of classical music - that's how long this wedding went on.

My teacher was by and large.... but anyway.

You need an audience to help you figure out what’s working and what’s worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what’s worth touring with.

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.

Do you think Patrick Swayze now goes up behind people in pottery classes and hugs them just to crack up other ghosts?

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can’t function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

You can go home with a lot of money with absolutely no skill.

With Katrina, it's almost like the sequel that doesn't live up to the original. It's certainly a shocking event and a tragedy, but somehow as a big event it doesn't seem to carry as much weight with the public as 9/11 did.

Look, it's 5 in the morning, it's just a paragraph, it will not print out, there's something, some bastard! Oh oh, there's an on-switch on the printer?

I know I'm in England because this morning, my stomach got up two hours before I did and had a cup of tea! I've had so much tea, I slosh when I walk! You have to drink tea - I've tasted the coffee!

Sylvia Plath – interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic by the college girl mentality.

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?