Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 341
Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.
Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.
People say "history was written by the winners." No, it wasn't. It was written by the bullies.
Nobody's really happy. And as soon as society realises that you can't trust anyone and that hardship is a natural part of existence, the sooner the therapists will realise that they are worthless! Sorry. They have worth deficit disorder!
Hey. They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.
When you get married, you stand there and you say 'Til death do you part.' That's what you say in the marriage vows - make that vow, stay together forever. The divorce rate is sky high, so everybody's just lying their asses off. Why don't we come clean? Let's be honest, you know? Instead of standing there saying 'Til death do you part,' let's just go, 'I'll give it a shot.'
If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?
My life was typical. I played a little Little League baseball. I never wanted for food. I always had shoes. I had a room. There were no great tragedies. There were the typical ups and downs but I wouldn' t say it was at all sad. We were Jewish and living in the suburbs so there was a slightly neurotic bent to it, but I can't point to anything where a boy overcame a tragedy to become a comedian. As my grandmother used to say, 'I can't complain.'
Live each day as if it were your last...because one day, you'll be right!