Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 342
How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.
Stop It, stop lighting your butthol on fire, and everybody listen to me. If you light your ass on fire, I hope you have boxers or a filter of somekind, because if your a bareass person. Not a lot of people have done this. Stop It. This is why. You can cauterize your asshole shut, so when you fart it has nowhere to go and you can have a fart attack.
Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."
That is the international baseline of all humour. Farts. You can be as sophisticated as you like, but you have to admit farts are funny. You go, No, we don't actually agree. I saw a hilarious satirical cartoon in the New Statesman at the weekend, satirising EU farming policies. It was hilarious. Was it as funny as a fart? No, it wasn't. I saw Ian Hislop on television at the weekend satirising the government with his voice going up at the start of a sentence and then down at the end. It was hilarious. Was it? Was it as funny as some gas that smells of shit coming out of an arse? No, it wasn't And nothing Ian Hislop ever says or does or secretly imagines, will be as funny as that.
You have the honesty of Abraham Lincoln and all the charm of the man who shot him.
Tina Fey is my comedy wife. I have known her for almost a double decade. We met each other when we were poor and single. Now we are both rich as shit and have husbands all over the world. People think of us as a ‘comedy team’ and I am not quick to correct them. Why wouldn’t I want to connect myself to the fiercest and most talented voice in the comedy world?
My girlfriend just asked me for ten grand because she wants fake tits. I said no, baby. You need fake tits.
Creative people don't behave very well generally. If you're looking for examples of good relationships in show business, you're gonna be depressed real fast. I don't have time for anything else right now but work and my daughter. She's my first priority.
With all the horrible, horrible shit that your priest is pumping into your kid's head, his dick should be the least of your worries, honestly. That's just a little mouthwash and a few years of therapy'll get rid of that. That Jesus shit will torture you for a lifetime.
I love New York, though I'll never eat any of the ice creams that they sell in the park. That's just disgusting. You see the little picture of them? They all have a little bite taken out of them already.
While all the other kids were out playing ball and stuff, I used to stay in my room and imagine that there was a camera in the wall. And I used to really believe that I was putting on a television show and that it was going out to somewhere in the world.