Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 342

You know what the problem is with world hunger? We've been sending them food.

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that's on CBS and there's been a lot of cutbacks, so it's just Friday night for a couple of minutes. And we don't have any sharks, just an immigrant with a puppet. Hey, but it's a start!

Nobody can stop you but you. And shame on you if you're the one who stops yourself.

I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.

I got a new diaphragm - well, it's new to me.

Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?

My name has zero value.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.

Look at him, sex takes a holiday!

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

I know I'm in England because this morning, my stomach got up two hours before I did and had a cup of tea! I've had so much tea, I slosh when I walk! You have to drink tea - I've tasted the coffee!

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.